[ later, he'll blame it on the sleepless nights. how the stress and the strain of the virus had worn his body down enough to affect his brain, that he would even fall so low as to forget what's most important here — that they're actually helping. he has to believe that they are.
but right now? he is tired. tired and ashamed and frankly a little lost, because it was never supposed to turn out like this. it wasn't so much that he wanted to be specifically a fighter pilot, though there's no doubt how much fun he has with it; in truth, all he wanted was to be a hero. a hero was praised, honored, acknowledged, respected. heroes did the right thing, at the right time, for the right reasons, and everyone knew it. with voltron, the stakes are real, but it is only really with alastair that he realizes just how real those stakes can be... ]
I hurt people. [ he figures he should start small, and work his way up to it. with sonia, she had needled it out of him, making him realize just how little he'd actually addressed it. just how much he'd kept from the very people he supposedly trusts with his own life. ]
Shiro's got a bruise on his head because of me, and Nami's got a hole in her because I couldn't control my own anger. And I know — I know that second one's the virus, not me, and ganging up on Shiro was the only way we could get him the cure but... but it still happened. It shouldn't have.
[ he leans back a little further in the chair, legs stretching out beneath the table, just so he can tip his head back against the back of it and stare up at the ceiling. ]
On that mermaid planet, Hunk was brainwashed too. He fought me, because he didn't know any better, but I was still able to get to him before either of us could get seriously hurt. It worked then, you know? Why couldn't it work now...
[ he quiets for a moment, struggling with his next words. ]
I know war isn't easy, or fun, or any of that. I know it's messy, and scary, and sad, but... but back home, when we all fought together, it never really felt like that. Back home, I knew what we were doing was right. We saved people. We saved everyone.
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but right now? he is tired. tired and ashamed and frankly a little lost, because it was never supposed to turn out like this. it wasn't so much that he wanted to be specifically a fighter pilot, though there's no doubt how much fun he has with it; in truth, all he wanted was to be a hero. a hero was praised, honored, acknowledged, respected. heroes did the right thing, at the right time, for the right reasons, and everyone knew it. with voltron, the stakes are real, but it is only really with alastair that he realizes just how real those stakes can be... ]
I hurt people. [ he figures he should start small, and work his way up to it. with sonia, she had needled it out of him, making him realize just how little he'd actually addressed it. just how much he'd kept from the very people he supposedly trusts with his own life. ]
Shiro's got a bruise on his head because of me, and Nami's got a hole in her because I couldn't control my own anger. And I know — I know that second one's the virus, not me, and ganging up on Shiro was the only way we could get him the cure but... but it still happened. It shouldn't have.
[ he leans back a little further in the chair, legs stretching out beneath the table, just so he can tip his head back against the back of it and stare up at the ceiling. ]
On that mermaid planet, Hunk was brainwashed too. He fought me, because he didn't know any better, but I was still able to get to him before either of us could get seriously hurt. It worked then, you know? Why couldn't it work now...
[ he quiets for a moment, struggling with his next words. ]
I know war isn't easy, or fun, or any of that. I know it's messy, and scary, and sad, but... but back home, when we all fought together, it never really felt like that. Back home, I knew what we were doing was right. We saved people. We saved everyone.
But here...
I killed someone. Back on Perdition's Rest.