[If this conversation could go without incident, they wouldn't be Keith and Lance. Talking it out would be strange if there wasn't a point where one boy accidentally hurt the other. Keith knows that Lance doesn't mean to hurt him with those words, but they do anyway. His lips twist downward in a Keith-like grimace, and he looks away.]
I was there with you, [he says, agitation filling his voice. It's not as defensive as a lot of things in the past with him. Keith isn't angry, just hurt. The desire to brush this off grows, but he stands his ground. Maybe if he views it as a challenge, he'll be able to face it head on.]
Just because I didn't know what to do or how to handle it doesn't mean I wasn't there with you. [It hurts him to think that Lance might believe that Keith's lack of readiness could even be equated to not wanting this. He wanted it, but articulating that is the hard part.]
That's different from what I said, anyway. [A year ago, he hadn't even had friends. But it's typical Keith to not point that out. Being with someone, being intimate with them, is a huge step up. That's why he had wanted it to be easier.]
[ he honestly expected a hitch would happen somewhere along the way, but he's past the point of letting himself flare up at the provocation. it would be easy to, and it would be familiar, too, but this isn't how he wants to say good-bye. and he has to think keith doesn't either. fighting may have been an integral part of their friendship, but he had hoped that their relationship would mean less of it.
he holds up those palms, silently gesturing for the other to calm. ]
When I said you weren't there with me, I meant with what I wanted in a relationship, or what I thought it should be, anyway. Not the thing itself.
[ misunderstandings keep happening, and he has to wonder if this is normal for any relationship. are things supposed to be this messy when feelings get involved? maybe he was really that naive to think otherwise. ]
Honestly, Keith, half the time I didn't know what you wanted. I just sort of filled in the gaps myself. But I was flying blind.
[Keith calms, but there's still things he's irritated about. How could he know Lance was flying blind? He knew things probably weren't the way Lance imagined. He's seen how he babbles at girls, and how he planned their date, and all of it—it's not like he's blind. But they could've talked about this sooner. It should've been ... clearer.
What is clear is that Lance is already talking in past tense, and that's what makes Keith realize that he was already talking in past tense. Was, was, didn't, etc.—it all stands out like a foregone conclusion.]
Well, at least you won't have to anymore. [The desire to just tell Lance to get out is there, like a defensive kick to keep someone from hurting him. Even if that's not Lance's fault. It's just the discomfort. Keith has a feeling this is always going to be hard for him if there's more to it.] You won't have to worry about what I want anymore.
[ the pang of hurt is an instinctive one, but fortunately lance realizes it's more reflexive than anything else — and more fortunately than that, he realizes it in time. the flicker of hurt is there, twisting up his expression, but he is quick to push it down, recognizing what keith is doing. what keith has always done.
so maybe talking about them in past tense was for the best after all — it's certainly helping lance now to push past the urge to take it personally, so instead of staying hurt, he just gets annoyed. ]
Cut the crap, Keith. ALASTAIR's already doing it for you, so you can stop pushing me away already, okay?
[ should he have spoken up sooner? yeah. yeah, he definitely should have, and he knows that now.
but what good is all his talking, if he's the only one who ever does? ]
I'm not pushing you away, [he says, teeth grinding together mere moments after. Frustration rushes through his veins, kicking up the familiar feeling of agitation that he has at times like this. Even if Keith doesn't want to be mad at Lance, there's something comfortable in the emotion. It's easier than anything else he's feeling right now.
Frankly: failure isn't a new thing for Keith. It's just that it never becomes easier to face, so half the time he chooses not to.]
And even if I were, I'm not even sure you could tell. So, fine. Decide however you want. It isn't going to change things at the end of the day.
["We'll still be done." They'll still be paladins, but Keith isn't rushing to make any reconciliatory moves toward that so that they can both remember it. They'll get there. They'll realize it. But right now, his hackles are raised, just as they would normally be even if they had this conversation sooner.]
Edited (finish thoughts in sentences self) 2017-07-29 02:11 (UTC)
[ an accusation met with another accusation — any chances of this being a peaceful parting is definitely thrown out the window now. lance rises to his feet, meeting the other at eye-level. his hands tighten into fists at his sides, a little too gesticulative in nature to remain as still as he had been before. ]
I haven't decided anything. At least nothing that hasn't already been decided for me. [ he's certain keith isn't blaming him for this transfer, but dang if it doesn't sound or feel like he is anyway. ] I'm trying to talk to you — you know, talking? That thing you never want to do?
[ the thing they should have done sooner. even if things would have turned out the same way, at least it would have given them more time.
(more time to what? to make up? to get better? does it even matter now?) ]
[At first, Keith processes what had been decided for him as the breakup, as if he had decided it for Lance. But it sinks in that it hadn't been about the breakup, but the transfer. Do people always end things over transfers, or is there something different about the two of them? Keith doesn't ask anyone about their relationships, so he doesn't know. He usually doesn't care. That's their business, just like his relationship with Lance hadn't been anyone else's.]
What's the point? [Because all he can see is a lot of arguing and hardship coming from this.] The end result's gonna be the same anyway. We'll still be broken up. You'll still be gone. No matter what I say, what we talk about—it isn't gonna change things.
[Now, it'll just make things worse. He's convinced that that's the case. Better not to deal than to hash it out and be reminded of how much it hurts. Deny, avoid, and move forward: that's the Keith way.]
[ the trouble with the two of them seems to be just that, though: all this time, they'd been trying to do things their own separate way, when they should have found a way that they call theirs together. ]
I never said I wanted to break up with you. [ he looks befuddled at the thought. ] When you said you weren't ready... I thought that's what you were saying you wanted.
[ he deflates a little — not out of defeat, but out of exhaustion. some of his most passionate moments in his life were when he would butt heads with keith. back then, it had propelled him forward, encouraged him to do better, be better. even if it were just out of some vague competition in his head, it had worked out for him. for them both.
but now the fights were personal, cutting deeper than just pride and dignity. ]
I know that's not what you meant now. [ he waves a hand, ready to rebuff another keith flare up. it always takes them a while, but they do get to the same page eventually. he definitely wishes they were faster about it at times. ]
When I mentioned all those things about not knowing when I was gonna see you again, I was just stating the facts. I am gonna gone. But Pidge is gone. And Shiro is gone. But neither of them mean any less to you for it, right? We don't have to break up if neither of us want to. We don't have to do anything if neither of us want to.
If it didn't work when we were both around, how's it going to work with one of us gone? [That's not to say that Keith is saying no. He can feel the flutter of hope inside of him rising, if only because some part of him doesn't want to be the one who messed this up. He knows he could be better if they had talked. That much is clear. But he can't see how it can work. Then again, what are the odds of him wanting to meet anyone else? He's not really made for that, and he barely had the time with Lance around.]
I'm not saying ... no, [he continues, clarifying. That feels like an important clarification.] But I don't think that's gonna help. Not you. Not me.
[It isn't even like they can write and call each other. For instance: he was thinking of finding a way to talk to the Shiro Duo, but he wasn't even sure he'd be allowed. What are the odds that things might change?]
And ... [Ugh, he really hates pointing this out.] If I messed up before, I'm not gonna be any better when you aren't there. [Admitting a fault is hard. Admitting that that fault is tied to his lack of "being ready" is even more difficult.]
how ironic, considering time is what they're meant to save. ]
I don't want to end this. [ he always thinks he's being so clear with his emotions, but maybe he'd been wrong in assuming keith would be able to read that. he should have said more when he had the chance. he should have been braver to.
sure, they hadn't been perfect. and sure, there was still so much they had to learn. but he was willing to do what it took to get to where they needed to be. he still is. ]
So maybe we don't have to. Not... entirely. We're going to see each other again.
[ somehow, some way. but he recognizes that long-distance relationships were tough enough on their own, without all this alastair business thrown into the mix. ]
Okay. [If it's really as simple as that, Keith would just hug him (because that feels right) and tell him good-bye. But he knows it's not as simple as that. It can't be. There's more to talk about, more to hash out—and it all has to do with the complications of a relationship.
Keith's arms are still crossed, so he bends forward, trying to find the right words. If there's anything that he hopes he's made clear here, it's that he cared about Lance. Wanting to shut down was because he felt the pain. ... Heck, he still feels the pain, wrenching up inside of him. It's a mixture of what happens when he recognizes that he messed up in some way and that he's losing someone he cares about. There's just more, and if he was asked to articulate it, he's not even sure he could.]
We just can't be together until then. I know how you are. [He likes to flirt. A lot, but more than that:] There might be someone else. Someone who likes all of ... [He looks Lance directly.] that from the start. Who might be ready. [It's not even that Keith doesn't like Lance, but he knows it's different with him. Plus, it's hard to be a boyfriend when he's still learning how to be someone's friend.]
Just—I'll be okay. No matter what happens.
[It helps that he's not the jealous type. Plus, Lance is getting a new start with a new team. No reason to not let him be his fully obnoxious self.
What he doesn't articulate, doesn't know how to voice is this: they're Voltron paladins. No matter what, they're moving forward together. They just need time for that, and he figures Lance deserves someone in the meantime who's ... ready.]
Edited (i didn't like the joke so i redid the entire dialogue ) 2017-07-29 05:52 (UTC)
[ he rustles instinctively, lips pulling into a tight frown at the simple (and painfully casual) implication that he wouldn't be able to wait, or (worse) that he would even think to cheat. he gives the other boy the benefit of the doubt — that what he meant isn't what it sounded like — if only because he really doesn't want to end up fighting again.
still, he feels the need to clear it up: ]
I'm not like that when I'm with someone.
[ it sounds almost like a promise, but he isn't asking keith to wait, because keith isn't asking him to wait in turn. despite the urge he feels, despite the solace and the comfort it might offer either of them, it wouldn't be fair to anyone involved. ]
I know you'll be okay. You always are. [ because they're paladins, they're survivors in their own right, and they will keep doing what they have to do, while they have to do it.
he attempts another smile, and holds a hand out. there really isn't much left to say now, is there? ]
[The clarification is unnecessary, in part because Keith wants to blurt out that that isn't his point. Lance should be with someone who's ready to be with him, and it's clear that at this time, Keith doesn't fill that. He might never fill it. It's hard to say. His eyebrows pinch for a moment and he decides to let it go, knowing that it would start another conversation that they don't have enough time to have.
Which is really the issue at hand here: the lack of time. They can't talk. They won't have the chance to talk. Heck, they may have come out of this wanting this break even if Lance hadn't left, but it accelerated matters. It left them with very little choice in the matter.]
See you later, [he decides upon in the end, gripping Lance's hand.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
I was there with you, [he says, agitation filling his voice. It's not as defensive as a lot of things in the past with him. Keith isn't angry, just hurt. The desire to brush this off grows, but he stands his ground. Maybe if he views it as a challenge, he'll be able to face it head on.]
Just because I didn't know what to do or how to handle it doesn't mean I wasn't there with you. [It hurts him to think that Lance might believe that Keith's lack of readiness could even be equated to not wanting this. He wanted it, but articulating that is the hard part.]
That's different from what I said, anyway. [A year ago, he hadn't even had friends. But it's typical Keith to not point that out. Being with someone, being intimate with them, is a huge step up. That's why he had wanted it to be easier.]
no subject
he holds up those palms, silently gesturing for the other to calm. ]
When I said you weren't there with me, I meant with what I wanted in a relationship, or what I thought it should be, anyway. Not the thing itself.
[ misunderstandings keep happening, and he has to wonder if this is normal for any relationship. are things supposed to be this messy when feelings get involved? maybe he was really that naive to think otherwise. ]
Honestly, Keith, half the time I didn't know what you wanted. I just sort of filled in the gaps myself. But I was flying blind.
no subject
What is clear is that Lance is already talking in past tense, and that's what makes Keith realize that he was already talking in past tense. Was, was, didn't, etc.—it all stands out like a foregone conclusion.]
Well, at least you won't have to anymore. [The desire to just tell Lance to get out is there, like a defensive kick to keep someone from hurting him. Even if that's not Lance's fault. It's just the discomfort. Keith has a feeling this is always going to be hard for him if there's more to it.] You won't have to worry about what I want anymore.
no subject
so maybe talking about them in past tense was for the best after all — it's certainly helping lance now to push past the urge to take it personally, so instead of staying hurt, he just gets annoyed. ]
Cut the crap, Keith. ALASTAIR's already doing it for you, so you can stop pushing me away already, okay?
[ should he have spoken up sooner? yeah. yeah, he definitely should have, and he knows that now.
but what good is all his talking, if he's the only one who ever does? ]
no subject
Frankly: failure isn't a new thing for Keith. It's just that it never becomes easier to face, so half the time he chooses not to.]
And even if I were, I'm not even sure you could tell. So, fine. Decide however you want. It isn't going to change things at the end of the day.
["We'll still be done." They'll still be paladins, but Keith isn't rushing to make any reconciliatory moves toward that so that they can both remember it. They'll get there. They'll realize it. But right now, his hackles are raised, just as they would normally be even if they had this conversation sooner.]
no subject
[ an accusation met with another accusation — any chances of this being a peaceful parting is definitely thrown out the window now. lance rises to his feet, meeting the other at eye-level. his hands tighten into fists at his sides, a little too gesticulative in nature to remain as still as he had been before. ]
I haven't decided anything. At least nothing that hasn't already been decided for me. [ he's certain keith isn't blaming him for this transfer, but dang if it doesn't sound or feel like he is anyway. ] I'm trying to talk to you — you know, talking? That thing you never want to do?
[ the thing they should have done sooner. even if things would have turned out the same way, at least it would have given them more time.
(more time to what? to make up? to get better? does it even matter now?) ]
no subject
What's the point? [Because all he can see is a lot of arguing and hardship coming from this.] The end result's gonna be the same anyway. We'll still be broken up. You'll still be gone. No matter what I say, what we talk about—it isn't gonna change things.
[Now, it'll just make things worse. He's convinced that that's the case. Better not to deal than to hash it out and be reminded of how much it hurts. Deny, avoid, and move forward: that's the Keith way.]
no subject
I never said I wanted to break up with you. [ he looks befuddled at the thought. ] When you said you weren't ready... I thought that's what you were saying you wanted.
[ he deflates a little — not out of defeat, but out of exhaustion. some of his most passionate moments in his life were when he would butt heads with keith. back then, it had propelled him forward, encouraged him to do better, be better. even if it were just out of some vague competition in his head, it had worked out for him. for them both.
but now the fights were personal, cutting deeper than just pride and dignity. ]
I know that's not what you meant now. [ he waves a hand, ready to rebuff another keith flare up. it always takes them a while, but they do get to the same page eventually. he definitely wishes they were faster about it at times. ]
When I mentioned all those things about not knowing when I was gonna see you again, I was just stating the facts. I am gonna gone. But Pidge is gone. And Shiro is gone. But neither of them mean any less to you for it, right? We don't have to break up if neither of us want to. We don't have to do anything if neither of us want to.
no subject
I'm not saying ... no, [he continues, clarifying. That feels like an important clarification.] But I don't think that's gonna help. Not you. Not me.
[It isn't even like they can write and call each other. For instance: he was thinking of finding a way to talk to the Shiro Duo, but he wasn't even sure he'd be allowed. What are the odds that things might change?]
And ... [Ugh, he really hates pointing this out.] If I messed up before, I'm not gonna be any better when you aren't there. [Admitting a fault is hard. Admitting that that fault is tied to his lack of "being ready" is even more difficult.]
no subject
how ironic, considering time is what they're meant to save. ]
I don't want to end this. [ he always thinks he's being so clear with his emotions, but maybe he'd been wrong in assuming keith would be able to read that. he should have said more when he had the chance. he should have been braver to.
sure, they hadn't been perfect. and sure, there was still so much they had to learn. but he was willing to do what it took to get to where they needed to be. he still is. ]
So maybe we don't have to. Not... entirely. We're going to see each other again.
[ somehow, some way. but he recognizes that long-distance relationships were tough enough on their own, without all this alastair business thrown into the mix. ]
Why don't we... see where we stand when we do?
no subject
Keith's arms are still crossed, so he bends forward, trying to find the right words. If there's anything that he hopes he's made clear here, it's that he cared about Lance. Wanting to shut down was because he felt the pain. ... Heck, he still feels the pain, wrenching up inside of him. It's a mixture of what happens when he recognizes that he messed up in some way and that he's losing someone he cares about. There's just more, and if he was asked to articulate it, he's not even sure he could.]
We just can't be together until then. I know how you are. [He likes to flirt. A lot, but more than that:] There might be someone else. Someone who likes all of ... [He looks Lance directly.] that from the start. Who might be ready.
[It's not even that Keith doesn't like Lance, but he knows it's different with him. Plus, it's hard to be a boyfriend when he's still learning how to be someone's friend.]
Just—I'll be okay. No matter what happens.
[It helps that he's not the jealous type. Plus, Lance is getting a new start with a new team. No reason to not let him be his fully obnoxious self.
What he doesn't articulate, doesn't know how to voice is this: they're Voltron paladins. No matter what, they're moving forward together. They just need time for that, and he figures Lance deserves someone in the meantime who's ... ready.]
no subject
still, he feels the need to clear it up: ]
I'm not like that when I'm with someone.
[ it sounds almost like a promise, but he isn't asking keith to wait, because keith isn't asking him to wait in turn. despite the urge he feels, despite the solace and the comfort it might offer either of them, it wouldn't be fair to anyone involved. ]
I know you'll be okay. You always are. [ because they're paladins, they're survivors in their own right, and they will keep doing what they have to do, while they have to do it.
he attempts another smile, and holds a hand out. there really isn't much left to say now, is there? ]
See you later?
no subject
Which is really the issue at hand here: the lack of time. They can't talk. They won't have the chance to talk. Heck, they may have come out of this wanting this break even if Lance hadn't left, but it accelerated matters. It left them with very little choice in the matter.]
See you later, [he decides upon in the end, gripping Lance's hand.]