CONTACT POST.

[secondnature]

username: keith

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[secondnature]

We are.

[Okay. That's not altogether accurate.]

We have been. But she has a lot going on. So I'm trying to help her.

[selfimage]

[ ah, Keith. ]

And the whole trust thing?

[ she seemed to push that, but Loki's still wary. ]

[secondnature]

It's not like she's told me that she trusts me.

[selfimage]

[ if anyone knows how difficult it is to trust again and again, it's most certainly him. ]

So I suppose that means that you still don't trust her.

[secondnature]

I don't know. [Keith had given her time. When he finally met up with her again, it felt like his efforts were spurned to try to give them something to do, like it was ... strained. But it's hard for him to say.]

I'm too afraid of messing up to trust her.

[No, that's not right. that's not it, not exactly.]

Or—I don't trust me and her. Not anymore. It used to feel like a sure thing.

[selfimage]

[ from experience, Loki knew that Keith was never to good at reading what was socially expected for him, but to add an extra layer of complexity, he wasn't sure what Rey's expectations were. ]

...

[ there's a sigh. ]

You do know that you haven't done anything untrustworthy, right?

[secondnature]

I asked that she understand that I did everything for a reason. Everything.

Do you think she really gets that?

[selfimage]

No.

[ it comes as more exasperated than quick. ]

She's seeing herself as the victim of everyone's actions. It's a position I know well.

[secondnature]

I—I don't understand.

[It's sincere. He's going through the gamut of emotions right now.]

What do you mean by "a victim"? What did I do wrong now?

[Like he's been waiting to find out, like he knows there's a chance everything will fall apart again.]

[selfimage]

[ there's a little shake of his head that Keith can't see, but a sigh that he can hear. ]

Nothing, really. She believes you wanted to use Gram on her. I told her that there's a difference if something is offered as a tool.

...

Buuut she didn't seem to get the sort of truth that Gram offered. She said she'd find it herself.

[secondnature]

That might be my fault. I don't really explain things well. Maybe she thought it was just some kind of ... lie detector.

[He falls silent for a moment.]

She really thought I meant to make her use Gram?

[selfimage]

There are always times when we need a jumpstart in how we perceive the truth. And, yes, that's what it seemed. Something about how you didn't trust her.

[ and a pause. ]

Though it'd be farfetched to say it's your fault. You're trying very hard to find something you did wrong.

[secondnature]

Let's just say that Kylo Ren has made it clear that I reinforced what he said.

[selfimage]

That she's listening to that at all is telling. He's not exactly the sharpest sword in the armory.

[secondnature]

I dunno, I guess ... when you like someone ...

He makes her feel like she's not as alone.

[selfimage]

Aye—but she's not. There's not just Kylo Ren.

...

I've been alone before, by my own hand, and by the hands of others. It's a narrow view, Keith, and I know where that path leads.

[ when he talks to Keith, it's usually not about himself. he doesn't allude to what he was, or what he had done to others. he keeps that to himself, but loneliness is something that he's close to. ]

[secondnature]

Are you afraid that you'll take that path again?

[Normally, Keith would go for the Rey of it all, but he wasn't lying when he said he wanted to help Loki. To be there for him. So, he's listening.]

[selfimage]

No.

[ there's an awkward pause. ]

I can just see it in others, now. I see it in Kylo Ren. Time and time again, I tore apart my home, burned it to ashes. We Asgardians, our story is circular, and we rebuild for everything to be annihilated over again. The same destruction—the same rebirth ... When the cycle was finished, I wanted to be something other than a catalyst.

I had another chance, another life.

Kylo Ren does not. Rey does not. You do not. It's very hard to turn my head and let circumstance sweep away those who've fallen into its clutches.

[secondnature]

I'm not at risk of that, at least. Just that I can't seem to change. You told me how important change is, and it sounds like you've pulled it off. But a lot of people have one life, and can't manage change anyway.

[He frowns.]

I don't think Rey will become like him, but I don't think he's a good influence on her. He feeds into her worst fears, the ones she's had to fight off. And she managed to, until he came along. If there's a connection between them, I'm worried that she may not be able to have the same faith she once had. In others ... and it means she may not believe in herself.

When you chose to do something different, you knew you had to do it for yourself. Right? It was on you to change.

[selfimage]

He's a simple mortal, moreso than he'd like to believe. There are extremes and there's right and wrong without compromise. Nothing special, though he wants to be. He's desperate, and desperate people do horrible things.

[ there's a shrug that Keith can't hear, but a breath that he can. ]

It's what I was when I knew I had to be something else. Desperate. Loki in a prior life was foolish, and he had stepped into a role that I couldn't step out of: somewhere along the way, Loki became the god of evil. Treachery lead to more treachery, and I was sick of it. But evil wasn't the only thing that Loki was the god of ... I was the god of chaos too, and a god of chaos that can't change is not living within their nature. For me, the universe and its expectations of what Loki should be were dictating my sense fo self.

For mortals, it's a little different.

[secondnature]

You think the universe set you on this path, not you?

[He sounds ... confused. And like it doesn't seem right.]

[selfimage]

It's more complicated than that.

...

I'm a god, and gods are stories. We have to be careful about the roles that we take on. The universe likes patterns, and it would prefer to see me in an old form.

Every act as myself is one of defiance.

[secondnature]

So—the universe would have you not be chaotic. But you are chaotic. And that chaos won out and gave you a chance to change? To fight against the demands of the universe?

[selfimage]

I won out for now, though I really didn't win for good. Not yet. I don't know if I'll ever win for good, but I'll keep fighting. I'll keep being a different Loki from the evil, single-dimensional villain that insists that the world has made him its victim.

...

Perhaps what I do could influence other mes, loosen the story for better Lokis.

[ isn't that what he had tried? he's not sure if it works, or if it's his own ambitious thinking. ]

I don't know, but I can try.

[secondnature]

I'm sorry Rey has decided to see you in a way that ... goes against that. It sounds like she has. [It's not the type of apology where he feels at fault. The reality is that he knows he can't do anything about it. But he's showing kindness. Sincerity.]

Is that your incentive? To loosen the story?