secondnature | open post (general)

[ Okay. That didn't work. He really wishes his own answer didn't have to be what it's going to be, but there's no justifiable reason to hide what's going on with him in this case. Maybe Keith can help him figure this all out. ]

I wish I knew. The last I remember, we were fighting the Galra, and then I suddenly woke up here. I don't know how, or what happened in between.

[ To him, it all happened in the blink of an eye, but he can tell it isn't that simple, and he's almost afraid to know how much time actually has passed. ]

What about you? What's with the ensemble? ... Where is everyone?

[ And there, he has to stop himself. There's more than just those questions, but they need to take this one step at a time. ]

[Keith looks wounded, but it's a fleeting moment and that wound has nothing to do with Shiro's wounds and everything to do with his loss of memory. His lips twist downward right before he schools his expression to something more ... neutral. He looks down at himself. Working with the Blade had been a form of ... escape. From being a leader. From feeling like he was letting Shiro down—letting everyone down.

And now—now Shiro doesn't remember?]

We're always fighting the Galra, [he says, voice surprisingly even and cautious despite the whirling emotions inside of him.]

I need you to be more specific on what you remember.

[ Shiro isn't sure how to parse that reaction in this situation—he barely feels like he can keep up with himself when he's this far in the dark. For him, referencing a battle it seemed like he'd been in not even an hour ago seems obvious, and he wonders what it means for his blank spot that Keith doesn't seem to understand what he's talking about. ]

Alright. It was our operation to take out Zarkon's base. I remember most of the battle, but nothing else.

[ He could wait for the reaction, but he also knows he needs to find a way to hold it together instead of tearing himself apart with worry. That entails getting some control over the situation, no matter how minor. ]

Keith. I have to know. Did something happen?

[ At this point, he'll even take a bad answer. An answer is still something he can do something about, and that's what he needs. He can't let this keep steamrolling him. ]

After that battle, you disappeared. You—the team ... I was sent out here because there was a distress signal. Pidge couldn't tell who it was coming from. Shiro, you're with them right now. [Any foundation of self control vanishes as he explains this, like his body can't conceal the wave of emotions moving through him. He remembers the weight that was lifted off his chest when he found Shiro. His eyebrows knit together, remembering Sven from the other universe.

But this isn't Sven. He's acting like Shiro. He is Shiro, as much as the guy he left recently was also Shiro.

Keith swallows, trying to fix his posture to make himself look more rigid. He's only partly successful.]

I need to bring you in.

[ Disappeared. It doesn't offer much, but it does make a lot of sense with what he knows. The rest, though... Where could he even to begin to respond to that? ]

What are you saying? That's not—

[ Possible, he'd wanted to say, but the word falls short. He doesn't even want to think about what that might mean, but after all they've done and seen, maybe it is, and Keith wouldn't lie to him. Not about something like that. Not lying and true aren't mutually exclusive, though. Maybe he's mistaken somehow. That has to be it.

If he was thinking more clearly, he may have gone along with this, just so they could figure out things faster. Maybe he'd realize that if their roles were reversed, he might do the same thing. But he can't without anything to anchor him. Keith is the closest thing he has to one right now, but with things like this it doesn't actually help much. ]

Is that really necessary? I don't know what's happening or how it's possible, but it's me. You understand that, don't you? ... I need you to trust me.

[ It's the only thing that can even remotely keep him together right now. ]

[Is it necessary? Keith knows that this could be a trap in some way. They don't even know the full extent of any of the Galra Tech, and Shiro ... this Shiro could be a result of all that. The fact that their memories end at the same place stands out to him. No matter what, there are two of them. They have to figure it out.

But he hates it. He hates having to be in this position. He wishes ... anyone else was here. His gut tells him that this is Shiro. But his gut said the same about the other Shiro, just that he ... that he went through some stuff. That he nearly died trying to get back to the team. That he was suffering, but forced to lead in spite of it because of what Keith wasn't ready to do.]

I do trust you. [They're the first words that Keith manages. It's hard for him not to trust Shiro. Every fiber of his being tells him that Shiro is the person he can trust in the most in the entire universe, which is why ... everything he's done recently has been so hard on him. He knows he's letting Shiro down. His eyebrows furrow.] I just don't trust ... this. How is this even happening? Even if you ... are you, I can't just leave you here. We have to figure this out. Together. [Shiro and Keith ... and also, the two of them and Team Voltron.]

There's gotta be an explanation for it all.

[ If he's him, like there's anyone else he could possibly be. There's a lot of things Shiro can doubt, but he can't doubt his own experiences. They'd raised the possibility of him having planted memories once before, and he didn't believe it then, and still doesn't now. He knows what he's been through, and it's been more than enough. That's one thing the rest of the Paladins don't understand; the scope of what he's gone through, how he can't handle the thought the Galra may have done even more to him. And he's okay with that, he'll protect them from those horrors with his dying breath, but there are things that he can't accept no matter what.

This is different than one memory, though. This is all of them. This is his existence. And if what Keith is saying is really true, then there's some... impostor with his face with his team right now doing who knows what, and all he can do is assume the worst. This whole thing makes him sick to even think about, and he has to wish with every fiber of being for something to prove him wrong, that this is all some kind of mistake.

His only saving grace is that Keith is the one who found him. He can trust Keith, and not have to worry quite as much about pretending nothing doesn't affect him because he's too busy trying to hold everyone together. And Keith is right. They need to figure this out, and he doesn't have to do it alone. Going with him is his best chance of figuring out what this is and how to fix it. ]

Alright. [ Remember how to breathe. ] We'll get through this. We always do. [ That's more for his own benefit than Keith's, but it feels right to say in the moment. ]

I don't want you to tell the others yet. I know how that sounds, but I don't want... whoever it is, to find out. I can't give him the chance to do anything.

[ Hurt anyone, or escape. He doesn't know. But he can't stomach the thought of failing them, especially now. ]

If that's too much, I understand. [ He wants so much for his voice to be even, but the deserpation and the pleading are cracking through, and he feels pathetic. He's supposed to be their leader and he can barely even keep himself together right now. ]

[I can't give him the chance to do anything.

At that moment, Keith looks down at himself, currently clad in Blade of Marmora gear. He doesn't even carry a bayard these days—just the normal Marmora knife that he's had his entire life. He doesn't reach for it now. But he knows it's close, knows he can have it in his hand in the blink of an eye. If this isn't the real Shiro, will he need to use it?

More importantly: if this is the real Shiro, the one back in the castle has reconnected with Black.

It's all his fault that happened. If he hadn't tried to force Shiro back into that position—]

No, you're right. [Maybe there aren't two Shiros. Maybe something happened on their mission. Maybe they are fighting Zarkon again, but they didn't call in the Blade. Maybe. Maybe.

Maybe.]

If there really are two Shiros, we can't risk it. [It could be bad. Keith's hands rise up to put his hood on. Something about shading his face makes him feel ... comforted in the moment, as if he can conceal a part of himself from Shiro.]

But ... there's another explanation. We went into a different world. There was someone there who looked just like you ... from before. Before Kerberos. With everything that Lotor's been messing with, it doesn't seem impossible that—that this might happen.

[ So he at least understands. There's a very real possibility that everyone is danger. If Keith is still willing to cooperate with him, that at least gives him a chance to breathe again. All he can do is shove everything back down and try to re-prioritize; this isn't the time or the place for him to be battling himself. It never is, and he has to remember that. ]

It doesn't matter. We can stand around wondering all day, but that's not going to get us anywhere. We need to go see what's going on for ourselves.

[ It's easier to pull himself out of his own head when he realizes that it's not just him at stake here. There are things in what Keith is saying he doesn't understand, and there's still so many unanswered questions, but they can come later. What choice do they have? Puzzling over it can only do so much. ]

We're going to need a plan if the worst happens.

[ He hates saying that given how close he is the issue, but there's no point in sugarcoating it. If they ignore the possibility of something terrible happening and just hope for the best, they'd just end up blindsided if something did happen, and he can't walk in like that. Not for this. ]

All right. We can come up with something on the way over. [Keith considers the fact that it might be a good idea to contact the Blade, but there's the chance that this Shiro actually has no idea who they are. Right now, his cynicism and tendency to distance himself from others is what comes forward. He doesn't even realize that. But it just feels ... like a good idea. He can figure this out himself. Including anyone else in it might be a risk—to them or to Shiro.]

Do you know how much Pidge looked at your ... arm? [He looks down at the hand that was replaced by Galra Tech. Keith hasn't talked about it all that much. There's good reason for that. Sometimes, it's better to acknowledge and say nothing, at least in his book.] If there's any way of telling what's going on, it's gotta be in there.

[After he asks the question, he begins to turn toward the direction of his ship. Time to head back.]

[ Unconsciously, Shiro crosses his arms, almost protectively. He's used to his arm to the point that sometimes he can almost forget it's there, but that's because everyone tends to ignore it and embrace it as normal. Having it directly mentioned just serves to remind how unnatural it really is. ]

There's no way to be sure. We were too focused on the coordinates Ulaz gave me. But there should be a record of my vital signs from the cryopods. I don't know if it will help, but it's worth looking into.

[ An idea is a start. If it's wrong, you move on with the information you have. The problem is, he's not sure if they actually have the time to work systematically. But for now, he walks with Keith. They'll figure it out. The Galra ship getting closer makes him glance back to Keith's uniform, and some of the uneasiness he tried to push down comes bubbling back to the surface. Apparently, he can't quite get used to it after all. ]

You've been working with the Blade of Marmora?

[ He trusts the Blade; that isn't the issue. The problem is that it's Keith in those colors and he's not here with Red. ]

[It's time to disappoint Shiro ... again. Keith's head tilts forward and his expression goes blank as he musters up the strength to explain all of this. Working with the Blade is one thing. Admitting the reason why is another. Some part of him wants to lie about how he got to this place, but it's not like the truth won't come out eventually.

Without looking at Shiro, he says:] Allura's piloting Blue now. [Somewhere in his mind, he knows this may be critical information to an enemy. Should he be saying this? Would it be too much if Shiro is somehow connected to the Galra? Then again, Lotor's generals saw her as a paladin. ... On the other hand, it doesn't seem like Lotor is sharing a whole lot of intel with his parents.

Ugh, this ... is way too complicated.

Keith's eyebrows set.]

Once ... you got back, we had one paladin too many. It was a math problem. [Keith's mind is nowhere near his conversation with Lance from that one day, but the subconscious reminder is there.] Once ... uh, you—he ... was able to pilot Black again, it was clear that it was a good idea for me to step away.

[If it weren't for the matter of "you" and "he" and the complication with that, Keith might have been more intentional with his failing to mention that he piloted Black. But it doesn't even occur to him that he left that out.

Or his failed leadership.]

[ Shiro's brows lift in surprise. Allura's piloting. Okay. That's new. He could wonder where that left everyone else, or at how vague Keith is being, but the fact that he is being a little unclear gives him a guess, and who's piloting who is a secondary concern to the fact that Keith is gone.

It isn't the first time he's seen him do this; Keith mentioned getting kicked out of the Garrsion when Shiro first went back to Earth, and it was just as much of a punch to the gut then as it is now. The difference is, this feels more like a personal failure on Shiro's part. It's his responsibility to hold everyone together, and if Keith feels like he needs to leave, that all falls on him. He knows he can't ask him to come back—that's not Shiro's decision to make. He has to respect Keith's wishes. But he also knows he can't let this stand without saying something. ]

Keith. [ He shifts slightly, pausing in his tracks to grip Keith's shoulder with his human hand. ] You... know there's always a place for you with us, right?

[ There's not much else he can say. This much would have been fine before, but right now, he's honestly worried if he's overstepped his bounds. There's not one too many Paladins anymore, there's two, and as much as Shiro wants to believe he's the one meant to be here, he can't be certain. And according to Keith, the... other him has the Black Lion.

It's funny. He never thought he'd actually want to wake up in a cold sweat and leave to work it off, hoping for the millionth time nobody ever catches on to how strange his hours are. But here they are. ]

[The moment Shiro's hand grasps his shoulder, he stops. He's startled at first, but he looks up, a smile forming. It's not any easier to act like he's okay with this than it was in the first place, but he's still doing his best to help the universe. He's not running away from it. He's not trying to avoid what ... feels hard. He's doing the right thing, right?

Right?

Keith has been asking himself that question constantly.]

I know. Don't worry. [It's just a matter of letting them all down.] But if it's a matter of Allura following in her father's footsteps and the rest of the team wanting to promote what we're doing in the universe ... it's better if I'm not there with them. I can still help this way.

[It's a solid answer, but he's still ... not sure. Not entirely.

After all, he ran away from his responsibilities.]

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