[ and because it's keith, lance knows not to have to wait for a verbal invitation, and takes his cue walking in without a word. like many of the other rooms in oska, there aren't very many others places to sit, but lance would have taken a spot on keith's bed even if there had been. he settles down but he doesn't make himself comfortable, instead curling his hands over his knees. ]
I got a message from ALASTAIR.
[ he knows keith will appreciate him cutting to the chase. ]
[Keith chose to remain standing, and he regrets that quickly. Some part of him wishes he could hunch over, eyes to the floor, while considering Lance's words. It's not just that it's Lance that's going—though that part hurts. It hurts a lot. It's also that he struggles with expressing himself when it comes to this stuff, so he wishes he could ... hide some of that struggle.
The surprise is on his face just the same. Unlike with many of the others he's lost, at least he gets to say good-bye. It's just ...]
Maybe ... maybe you'll get to see Pidge and Shiro again. [The words themselves are clearly a struggle. Keith's arms come to cross over his chest in a protective gesture.] It ... might not be so bad. [The problem is, so many people he's known have been transferred. Lance is undoubtedly the one he's closest to, for obvious reasons. That makes it harder. And it had been hard before, except Keith never really dealt with it.]
[ and lance wishes now, more than ever, that he'd been better about helping keith do just that — deal with it. he hadn't been sure then, when he first broached the subject, whether or not it was his place to do so, and he realizes now that it always has been. not just because of their relationship, but because he has always been, first and foremost, keith's friend. and if friends can't help you deal with things like loss, then who can?
part of the reason this isn't as hard as it could have been is because lance knows that he isn't keith's only friend here. not anymore. (maybe not even ever.) when he leaves, there will be someone to check in on keith. ]
Probably, [ he says with a faint nod. he definitely considered that possibility. the message itself had been vague, not even a mention of the team he'll be transferring to, just a vague declaration that his particular skillset is needed there. but it also doesn't say anything about permanence, and so maybe after he fulfills that particular need, he may well find himself within audentes' ranks once more...
or maybe not. it's a lot of uncertainty that he doesn't feel too comfortable betting on. but the possibility of it is hopeful. it brings a faint smile to his face, though most of it is for keith's benefit. ]
I bet they miss me a lot. They're probably upset you've been hogging me so much.
I don't think anyone's too concerned about you being overly hogged, [he says, hoping to make up for a bit of the banter that should be there. It ends up making the comment itself crueler than it needs to be, but Keith himself doesn't look as if he's utterly pleased with what he's delivered. His usual grim-faced determination is absent, replaced by awkwardness and uncertainty.
All of Keith's instincts tell him to tell Lance good-bye and try to move on as if this isn't a thing. That would be easiest, if only it's because he's coped. And the thing is, he hasn't always been good about moving on. Shiro's first death? Definitely a moment of no movement forward. And then ... everything since then. He recalls the relief he felt in finding out that Shiro was still with Audentes. It had relieved a lot of worries at the time.
The thing is, Shiro is just a baseline for him. Shiro had been the baseline for so long that sometimes Keith wishes that were still the case. Barely remembering Lance's name would make this easier, but he's no longer that guy. He made the decisive decision to give up that version of himself when he offered to give up his knife to the Blade.]
So ... what now? [Keith knows that they've been ignoring a specific elephant in the room for months, and it's not the best time to deal. Plus, Keith is fond of letting the elephant stick around. Food and water the elephant and let it live. Basically, if there's a problem that needs to be dealt with and it involves it being emotional, he struggles.
[ lance takes in a breath to steel himself, but finds he doesn't really need to. this moment — this elephant in the room — it's been a long time coming, and he had thought that the reason his breath always caught at the thought of it was just in dread of this moment... but now that the time's come, he realizes all that discomfort had been due to all his avoidance of it in the first place. all that time wasted on a silence that was so inherently unlike him. ]
Now we talk.
[ his hands turn over on top of his knees, palms up and out. ]
I don't know how long I'll be gone. And I don't know how often we'll be able to talk. [ probably not at all, if pidge and shiro's own lack of communication is anything to go by. ]
But I do know I'll see you again. [ if only because he has to. he makes it sound like a promise, too.
still, it would be a lie to pretend like this separation is their only problem. ]
Things have been... weird. Between us. Lately. I should have said something. I mean I didn't know how to but... I should have said something anyway.
[ that he wishes he had isn't a secret now. that he wishes they had more time isn't either. and the idea of rebelling against alastair's decision had occurred to lance, of course, but only briefly. selfishness is inherent, but he's no stranger to responsibility, to leaving behind the people he cares about for something bigger than himself, than all of them combined. and he knows keith would never let him do it, either, knowing what could be at stake if he did. ]
Things have always been weird between us. [There's some truth to that. Keith knows that a big generalization like that doesn't really spell it out, but they've always had things to work through. The problem is that he knows he's not the best at it. He's never big on blaming himself for everything, because the level of feeling involved in that guilt is ... hard. So, half the time he avoids, he doesn't deal, he just wanders, just as he did following his expulsion from the Garrison.
When he looks across the room at Lance, he remembers the simplicity of their first kiss. It had been simple. So had been their first date. Anything beyond that had started hitting the territory of uncertainty, and being Keith, he's not one to ask when he steps into something like that. Him avoiding dealing with it and acting as if everything was normal? That made sense.
It still does.]
I know that's not what you're saying. [Keith almost adds, "I'm bad at this." But that goes without saying.] But it got weird because I wasn't ready. I know that now. [And with it, he had tried to make a habit out of them being Keith and Lance, paladins who were dating. It could be as simple as that.
The problem is, having it voiced that it wasn't that simple jerks him out of his hopes for that, because it's making everything clearer. It's ... putting it out there. No one can just feed the elephant now and ignore it otherwise.]
[ which is an odd thing to say, given how he normally acts regarding matters of the heart and all that that entails, but it's as keith said — things have always been weird between them. to go from keith and lance, "rivals" at the garrison to keith and lance, paladins of voltron, and then keith and lance, boyfriends within audentes... it had been a bit of a rush, and he can't help but agree now that despite it feeling right at the time, it may not have been at at the right time.
though lance's uncertainty had risen, his feelings for keith hadn't waned. he knows he still enjoyed every look, every touch, every kiss, and nothing could make him regret or take back those moments.
but maybe, too, they were never really his to have just yet. ]
I think I was ready for something else, but it was something only I wanted, you know? I think deep down I knew you weren't there with me, but I tried to force that idea on you anyway because I thought that's just how it was supposed to go. I thought maybe if I tried hard enough, it'd all just work out.
[ perseverance and hard work had always worked out for lance before, but that had been when it was just him, alone with his studies, alone with his simulations. relationships were much more different than school, than the garrison, and lance is realizing that now. there's an entirely separate factor to think about, one with his own thoughts and feelings and pace. ]
[If this conversation could go without incident, they wouldn't be Keith and Lance. Talking it out would be strange if there wasn't a point where one boy accidentally hurt the other. Keith knows that Lance doesn't mean to hurt him with those words, but they do anyway. His lips twist downward in a Keith-like grimace, and he looks away.]
I was there with you, [he says, agitation filling his voice. It's not as defensive as a lot of things in the past with him. Keith isn't angry, just hurt. The desire to brush this off grows, but he stands his ground. Maybe if he views it as a challenge, he'll be able to face it head on.]
Just because I didn't know what to do or how to handle it doesn't mean I wasn't there with you. [It hurts him to think that Lance might believe that Keith's lack of readiness could even be equated to not wanting this. He wanted it, but articulating that is the hard part.]
That's different from what I said, anyway. [A year ago, he hadn't even had friends. But it's typical Keith to not point that out. Being with someone, being intimate with them, is a huge step up. That's why he had wanted it to be easier.]
[ he honestly expected a hitch would happen somewhere along the way, but he's past the point of letting himself flare up at the provocation. it would be easy to, and it would be familiar, too, but this isn't how he wants to say good-bye. and he has to think keith doesn't either. fighting may have been an integral part of their friendship, but he had hoped that their relationship would mean less of it.
he holds up those palms, silently gesturing for the other to calm. ]
When I said you weren't there with me, I meant with what I wanted in a relationship, or what I thought it should be, anyway. Not the thing itself.
[ misunderstandings keep happening, and he has to wonder if this is normal for any relationship. are things supposed to be this messy when feelings get involved? maybe he was really that naive to think otherwise. ]
Honestly, Keith, half the time I didn't know what you wanted. I just sort of filled in the gaps myself. But I was flying blind.
[Keith calms, but there's still things he's irritated about. How could he know Lance was flying blind? He knew things probably weren't the way Lance imagined. He's seen how he babbles at girls, and how he planned their date, and all of it—it's not like he's blind. But they could've talked about this sooner. It should've been ... clearer.
What is clear is that Lance is already talking in past tense, and that's what makes Keith realize that he was already talking in past tense. Was, was, didn't, etc.—it all stands out like a foregone conclusion.]
Well, at least you won't have to anymore. [The desire to just tell Lance to get out is there, like a defensive kick to keep someone from hurting him. Even if that's not Lance's fault. It's just the discomfort. Keith has a feeling this is always going to be hard for him if there's more to it.] You won't have to worry about what I want anymore.
[ the pang of hurt is an instinctive one, but fortunately lance realizes it's more reflexive than anything else — and more fortunately than that, he realizes it in time. the flicker of hurt is there, twisting up his expression, but he is quick to push it down, recognizing what keith is doing. what keith has always done.
so maybe talking about them in past tense was for the best after all — it's certainly helping lance now to push past the urge to take it personally, so instead of staying hurt, he just gets annoyed. ]
Cut the crap, Keith. ALASTAIR's already doing it for you, so you can stop pushing me away already, okay?
[ should he have spoken up sooner? yeah. yeah, he definitely should have, and he knows that now.
but what good is all his talking, if he's the only one who ever does? ]
I'm not pushing you away, [he says, teeth grinding together mere moments after. Frustration rushes through his veins, kicking up the familiar feeling of agitation that he has at times like this. Even if Keith doesn't want to be mad at Lance, there's something comfortable in the emotion. It's easier than anything else he's feeling right now.
Frankly: failure isn't a new thing for Keith. It's just that it never becomes easier to face, so half the time he chooses not to.]
And even if I were, I'm not even sure you could tell. So, fine. Decide however you want. It isn't going to change things at the end of the day.
["We'll still be done." They'll still be paladins, but Keith isn't rushing to make any reconciliatory moves toward that so that they can both remember it. They'll get there. They'll realize it. But right now, his hackles are raised, just as they would normally be even if they had this conversation sooner.]
Edited (finish thoughts in sentences self) 2017-07-29 02:11 (UTC)
[ an accusation met with another accusation — any chances of this being a peaceful parting is definitely thrown out the window now. lance rises to his feet, meeting the other at eye-level. his hands tighten into fists at his sides, a little too gesticulative in nature to remain as still as he had been before. ]
I haven't decided anything. At least nothing that hasn't already been decided for me. [ he's certain keith isn't blaming him for this transfer, but dang if it doesn't sound or feel like he is anyway. ] I'm trying to talk to you — you know, talking? That thing you never want to do?
[ the thing they should have done sooner. even if things would have turned out the same way, at least it would have given them more time.
(more time to what? to make up? to get better? does it even matter now?) ]
[At first, Keith processes what had been decided for him as the breakup, as if he had decided it for Lance. But it sinks in that it hadn't been about the breakup, but the transfer. Do people always end things over transfers, or is there something different about the two of them? Keith doesn't ask anyone about their relationships, so he doesn't know. He usually doesn't care. That's their business, just like his relationship with Lance hadn't been anyone else's.]
What's the point? [Because all he can see is a lot of arguing and hardship coming from this.] The end result's gonna be the same anyway. We'll still be broken up. You'll still be gone. No matter what I say, what we talk about—it isn't gonna change things.
[Now, it'll just make things worse. He's convinced that that's the case. Better not to deal than to hash it out and be reminded of how much it hurts. Deny, avoid, and move forward: that's the Keith way.]
[ the trouble with the two of them seems to be just that, though: all this time, they'd been trying to do things their own separate way, when they should have found a way that they call theirs together. ]
I never said I wanted to break up with you. [ he looks befuddled at the thought. ] When you said you weren't ready... I thought that's what you were saying you wanted.
[ he deflates a little — not out of defeat, but out of exhaustion. some of his most passionate moments in his life were when he would butt heads with keith. back then, it had propelled him forward, encouraged him to do better, be better. even if it were just out of some vague competition in his head, it had worked out for him. for them both.
but now the fights were personal, cutting deeper than just pride and dignity. ]
I know that's not what you meant now. [ he waves a hand, ready to rebuff another keith flare up. it always takes them a while, but they do get to the same page eventually. he definitely wishes they were faster about it at times. ]
When I mentioned all those things about not knowing when I was gonna see you again, I was just stating the facts. I am gonna gone. But Pidge is gone. And Shiro is gone. But neither of them mean any less to you for it, right? We don't have to break up if neither of us want to. We don't have to do anything if neither of us want to.
If it didn't work when we were both around, how's it going to work with one of us gone? [That's not to say that Keith is saying no. He can feel the flutter of hope inside of him rising, if only because some part of him doesn't want to be the one who messed this up. He knows he could be better if they had talked. That much is clear. But he can't see how it can work. Then again, what are the odds of him wanting to meet anyone else? He's not really made for that, and he barely had the time with Lance around.]
I'm not saying ... no, [he continues, clarifying. That feels like an important clarification.] But I don't think that's gonna help. Not you. Not me.
[It isn't even like they can write and call each other. For instance: he was thinking of finding a way to talk to the Shiro Duo, but he wasn't even sure he'd be allowed. What are the odds that things might change?]
And ... [Ugh, he really hates pointing this out.] If I messed up before, I'm not gonna be any better when you aren't there. [Admitting a fault is hard. Admitting that that fault is tied to his lack of "being ready" is even more difficult.]
how ironic, considering time is what they're meant to save. ]
I don't want to end this. [ he always thinks he's being so clear with his emotions, but maybe he'd been wrong in assuming keith would be able to read that. he should have said more when he had the chance. he should have been braver to.
sure, they hadn't been perfect. and sure, there was still so much they had to learn. but he was willing to do what it took to get to where they needed to be. he still is. ]
So maybe we don't have to. Not... entirely. We're going to see each other again.
[ somehow, some way. but he recognizes that long-distance relationships were tough enough on their own, without all this alastair business thrown into the mix. ]
Okay. [If it's really as simple as that, Keith would just hug him (because that feels right) and tell him good-bye. But he knows it's not as simple as that. It can't be. There's more to talk about, more to hash out—and it all has to do with the complications of a relationship.
Keith's arms are still crossed, so he bends forward, trying to find the right words. If there's anything that he hopes he's made clear here, it's that he cared about Lance. Wanting to shut down was because he felt the pain. ... Heck, he still feels the pain, wrenching up inside of him. It's a mixture of what happens when he recognizes that he messed up in some way and that he's losing someone he cares about. There's just more, and if he was asked to articulate it, he's not even sure he could.]
We just can't be together until then. I know how you are. [He likes to flirt. A lot, but more than that:] There might be someone else. Someone who likes all of ... [He looks Lance directly.] that from the start. Who might be ready. [It's not even that Keith doesn't like Lance, but he knows it's different with him. Plus, it's hard to be a boyfriend when he's still learning how to be someone's friend.]
Just—I'll be okay. No matter what happens.
[It helps that he's not the jealous type. Plus, Lance is getting a new start with a new team. No reason to not let him be his fully obnoxious self.
What he doesn't articulate, doesn't know how to voice is this: they're Voltron paladins. No matter what, they're moving forward together. They just need time for that, and he figures Lance deserves someone in the meantime who's ... ready.]
Edited (i didn't like the joke so i redid the entire dialogue ) 2017-07-29 05:52 (UTC)
[ he rustles instinctively, lips pulling into a tight frown at the simple (and painfully casual) implication that he wouldn't be able to wait, or (worse) that he would even think to cheat. he gives the other boy the benefit of the doubt — that what he meant isn't what it sounded like — if only because he really doesn't want to end up fighting again.
still, he feels the need to clear it up: ]
I'm not like that when I'm with someone.
[ it sounds almost like a promise, but he isn't asking keith to wait, because keith isn't asking him to wait in turn. despite the urge he feels, despite the solace and the comfort it might offer either of them, it wouldn't be fair to anyone involved. ]
I know you'll be okay. You always are. [ because they're paladins, they're survivors in their own right, and they will keep doing what they have to do, while they have to do it.
he attempts another smile, and holds a hand out. there really isn't much left to say now, is there? ]
[The clarification is unnecessary, in part because Keith wants to blurt out that that isn't his point. Lance should be with someone who's ready to be with him, and it's clear that at this time, Keith doesn't fill that. He might never fill it. It's hard to say. His eyebrows pinch for a moment and he decides to let it go, knowing that it would start another conversation that they don't have enough time to have.
Which is really the issue at hand here: the lack of time. They can't talk. They won't have the chance to talk. Heck, they may have come out of this wanting this break even if Lance hadn't left, but it accelerated matters. It left them with very little choice in the matter.]
See you later, [he decides upon in the end, gripping Lance's hand.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
I got a message from ALASTAIR.
[ he knows keith will appreciate him cutting to the chase. ]
Apparently I'm being transferred.
no subject
The surprise is on his face just the same. Unlike with many of the others he's lost, at least he gets to say good-bye. It's just ...]
Maybe ... maybe you'll get to see Pidge and Shiro again. [The words themselves are clearly a struggle. Keith's arms come to cross over his chest in a protective gesture.] It ... might not be so bad. [The problem is, so many people he's known have been transferred. Lance is undoubtedly the one he's closest to, for obvious reasons. That makes it harder. And it had been hard before, except Keith never really dealt with it.]
no subject
part of the reason this isn't as hard as it could have been is because lance knows that he isn't keith's only friend here. not anymore. (maybe not even ever.) when he leaves, there will be someone to check in on keith. ]
Probably, [ he says with a faint nod. he definitely considered that possibility. the message itself had been vague, not even a mention of the team he'll be transferring to, just a vague declaration that his particular skillset is needed there. but it also doesn't say anything about permanence, and so maybe after he fulfills that particular need, he may well find himself within audentes' ranks once more...
or maybe not. it's a lot of uncertainty that he doesn't feel too comfortable betting on. but the possibility of it is hopeful. it brings a faint smile to his face, though most of it is for keith's benefit. ]
I bet they miss me a lot. They're probably upset you've been hogging me so much.
no subject
All of Keith's instincts tell him to tell Lance good-bye and try to move on as if this isn't a thing. That would be easiest, if only it's because he's coped. And the thing is, he hasn't always been good about moving on. Shiro's first death? Definitely a moment of no movement forward. And then ... everything since then. He recalls the relief he felt in finding out that Shiro was still with Audentes. It had relieved a lot of worries at the time.
The thing is, Shiro is just a baseline for him. Shiro had been the baseline for so long that sometimes Keith wishes that were still the case. Barely remembering Lance's name would make this easier, but he's no longer that guy. He made the decisive decision to give up that version of himself when he offered to give up his knife to the Blade.]
So ... what now? [Keith knows that they've been ignoring a specific elephant in the room for months, and it's not the best time to deal. Plus, Keith is fond of letting the elephant stick around. Food and water the elephant and let it live. Basically, if there's a problem that needs to be dealt with and it involves it being emotional, he struggles.
So, he's struggling.]
no subject
Now we talk.
[ his hands turn over on top of his knees, palms up and out. ]
I don't know how long I'll be gone. And I don't know how often we'll be able to talk. [ probably not at all, if pidge and shiro's own lack of communication is anything to go by. ]
But I do know I'll see you again. [ if only because he has to. he makes it sound like a promise, too.
still, it would be a lie to pretend like this separation is their only problem. ]
Things have been... weird. Between us. Lately. I should have said something. I mean I didn't know how to but... I should have said something anyway.
[ that he wishes he had isn't a secret now. that he wishes they had more time isn't either. and the idea of rebelling against alastair's decision had occurred to lance, of course, but only briefly. selfishness is inherent, but he's no stranger to responsibility, to leaving behind the people he cares about for something bigger than himself, than all of them combined. and he knows keith would never let him do it, either, knowing what could be at stake if he did. ]
no subject
When he looks across the room at Lance, he remembers the simplicity of their first kiss. It had been simple. So had been their first date. Anything beyond that had started hitting the territory of uncertainty, and being Keith, he's not one to ask when he steps into something like that. Him avoiding dealing with it and acting as if everything was normal? That made sense.
It still does.]
I know that's not what you're saying. [Keith almost adds, "I'm bad at this." But that goes without saying.] But it got weird because I wasn't ready. I know that now. [And with it, he had tried to make a habit out of them being Keith and Lance, paladins who were dating. It could be as simple as that.
The problem is, having it voiced that it wasn't that simple jerks him out of his hopes for that, because it's making everything clearer. It's ... putting it out there. No one can just feed the elephant now and ignore it otherwise.]
no subject
[ which is an odd thing to say, given how he normally acts regarding matters of the heart and all that that entails, but it's as keith said — things have always been weird between them. to go from keith and lance, "rivals" at the garrison to keith and lance, paladins of voltron, and then keith and lance, boyfriends within audentes... it had been a bit of a rush, and he can't help but agree now that despite it feeling right at the time, it may not have been at at the right time.
though lance's uncertainty had risen, his feelings for keith hadn't waned. he knows he still enjoyed every look, every touch, every kiss, and nothing could make him regret or take back those moments.
but maybe, too, they were never really his to have just yet. ]
I think I was ready for something else, but it was something only I wanted, you know? I think deep down I knew you weren't there with me, but I tried to force that idea on you anyway because I thought that's just how it was supposed to go. I thought maybe if I tried hard enough, it'd all just work out.
[ perseverance and hard work had always worked out for lance before, but that had been when it was just him, alone with his studies, alone with his simulations. relationships were much more different than school, than the garrison, and lance is realizing that now. there's an entirely separate factor to think about, one with his own thoughts and feelings and pace. ]
no subject
I was there with you, [he says, agitation filling his voice. It's not as defensive as a lot of things in the past with him. Keith isn't angry, just hurt. The desire to brush this off grows, but he stands his ground. Maybe if he views it as a challenge, he'll be able to face it head on.]
Just because I didn't know what to do or how to handle it doesn't mean I wasn't there with you. [It hurts him to think that Lance might believe that Keith's lack of readiness could even be equated to not wanting this. He wanted it, but articulating that is the hard part.]
That's different from what I said, anyway. [A year ago, he hadn't even had friends. But it's typical Keith to not point that out. Being with someone, being intimate with them, is a huge step up. That's why he had wanted it to be easier.]
no subject
he holds up those palms, silently gesturing for the other to calm. ]
When I said you weren't there with me, I meant with what I wanted in a relationship, or what I thought it should be, anyway. Not the thing itself.
[ misunderstandings keep happening, and he has to wonder if this is normal for any relationship. are things supposed to be this messy when feelings get involved? maybe he was really that naive to think otherwise. ]
Honestly, Keith, half the time I didn't know what you wanted. I just sort of filled in the gaps myself. But I was flying blind.
no subject
What is clear is that Lance is already talking in past tense, and that's what makes Keith realize that he was already talking in past tense. Was, was, didn't, etc.—it all stands out like a foregone conclusion.]
Well, at least you won't have to anymore. [The desire to just tell Lance to get out is there, like a defensive kick to keep someone from hurting him. Even if that's not Lance's fault. It's just the discomfort. Keith has a feeling this is always going to be hard for him if there's more to it.] You won't have to worry about what I want anymore.
no subject
so maybe talking about them in past tense was for the best after all — it's certainly helping lance now to push past the urge to take it personally, so instead of staying hurt, he just gets annoyed. ]
Cut the crap, Keith. ALASTAIR's already doing it for you, so you can stop pushing me away already, okay?
[ should he have spoken up sooner? yeah. yeah, he definitely should have, and he knows that now.
but what good is all his talking, if he's the only one who ever does? ]
no subject
Frankly: failure isn't a new thing for Keith. It's just that it never becomes easier to face, so half the time he chooses not to.]
And even if I were, I'm not even sure you could tell. So, fine. Decide however you want. It isn't going to change things at the end of the day.
["We'll still be done." They'll still be paladins, but Keith isn't rushing to make any reconciliatory moves toward that so that they can both remember it. They'll get there. They'll realize it. But right now, his hackles are raised, just as they would normally be even if they had this conversation sooner.]
no subject
[ an accusation met with another accusation — any chances of this being a peaceful parting is definitely thrown out the window now. lance rises to his feet, meeting the other at eye-level. his hands tighten into fists at his sides, a little too gesticulative in nature to remain as still as he had been before. ]
I haven't decided anything. At least nothing that hasn't already been decided for me. [ he's certain keith isn't blaming him for this transfer, but dang if it doesn't sound or feel like he is anyway. ] I'm trying to talk to you — you know, talking? That thing you never want to do?
[ the thing they should have done sooner. even if things would have turned out the same way, at least it would have given them more time.
(more time to what? to make up? to get better? does it even matter now?) ]
no subject
What's the point? [Because all he can see is a lot of arguing and hardship coming from this.] The end result's gonna be the same anyway. We'll still be broken up. You'll still be gone. No matter what I say, what we talk about—it isn't gonna change things.
[Now, it'll just make things worse. He's convinced that that's the case. Better not to deal than to hash it out and be reminded of how much it hurts. Deny, avoid, and move forward: that's the Keith way.]
no subject
I never said I wanted to break up with you. [ he looks befuddled at the thought. ] When you said you weren't ready... I thought that's what you were saying you wanted.
[ he deflates a little — not out of defeat, but out of exhaustion. some of his most passionate moments in his life were when he would butt heads with keith. back then, it had propelled him forward, encouraged him to do better, be better. even if it were just out of some vague competition in his head, it had worked out for him. for them both.
but now the fights were personal, cutting deeper than just pride and dignity. ]
I know that's not what you meant now. [ he waves a hand, ready to rebuff another keith flare up. it always takes them a while, but they do get to the same page eventually. he definitely wishes they were faster about it at times. ]
When I mentioned all those things about not knowing when I was gonna see you again, I was just stating the facts. I am gonna gone. But Pidge is gone. And Shiro is gone. But neither of them mean any less to you for it, right? We don't have to break up if neither of us want to. We don't have to do anything if neither of us want to.
no subject
I'm not saying ... no, [he continues, clarifying. That feels like an important clarification.] But I don't think that's gonna help. Not you. Not me.
[It isn't even like they can write and call each other. For instance: he was thinking of finding a way to talk to the Shiro Duo, but he wasn't even sure he'd be allowed. What are the odds that things might change?]
And ... [Ugh, he really hates pointing this out.] If I messed up before, I'm not gonna be any better when you aren't there. [Admitting a fault is hard. Admitting that that fault is tied to his lack of "being ready" is even more difficult.]
no subject
how ironic, considering time is what they're meant to save. ]
I don't want to end this. [ he always thinks he's being so clear with his emotions, but maybe he'd been wrong in assuming keith would be able to read that. he should have said more when he had the chance. he should have been braver to.
sure, they hadn't been perfect. and sure, there was still so much they had to learn. but he was willing to do what it took to get to where they needed to be. he still is. ]
So maybe we don't have to. Not... entirely. We're going to see each other again.
[ somehow, some way. but he recognizes that long-distance relationships were tough enough on their own, without all this alastair business thrown into the mix. ]
Why don't we... see where we stand when we do?
no subject
Keith's arms are still crossed, so he bends forward, trying to find the right words. If there's anything that he hopes he's made clear here, it's that he cared about Lance. Wanting to shut down was because he felt the pain. ... Heck, he still feels the pain, wrenching up inside of him. It's a mixture of what happens when he recognizes that he messed up in some way and that he's losing someone he cares about. There's just more, and if he was asked to articulate it, he's not even sure he could.]
We just can't be together until then. I know how you are. [He likes to flirt. A lot, but more than that:] There might be someone else. Someone who likes all of ... [He looks Lance directly.] that from the start. Who might be ready.
[It's not even that Keith doesn't like Lance, but he knows it's different with him. Plus, it's hard to be a boyfriend when he's still learning how to be someone's friend.]
Just—I'll be okay. No matter what happens.
[It helps that he's not the jealous type. Plus, Lance is getting a new start with a new team. No reason to not let him be his fully obnoxious self.
What he doesn't articulate, doesn't know how to voice is this: they're Voltron paladins. No matter what, they're moving forward together. They just need time for that, and he figures Lance deserves someone in the meantime who's ... ready.]
no subject
still, he feels the need to clear it up: ]
I'm not like that when I'm with someone.
[ it sounds almost like a promise, but he isn't asking keith to wait, because keith isn't asking him to wait in turn. despite the urge he feels, despite the solace and the comfort it might offer either of them, it wouldn't be fair to anyone involved. ]
I know you'll be okay. You always are. [ because they're paladins, they're survivors in their own right, and they will keep doing what they have to do, while they have to do it.
he attempts another smile, and holds a hand out. there really isn't much left to say now, is there? ]
See you later?
no subject
Which is really the issue at hand here: the lack of time. They can't talk. They won't have the chance to talk. Heck, they may have come out of this wanting this break even if Lance hadn't left, but it accelerated matters. It left them with very little choice in the matter.]
See you later, [he decides upon in the end, gripping Lance's hand.]