It's not like anything I'm saying really matters to you right now! [Giving him permission should give him leeway to do exactly that. At least. And stop the argument.]
[ lance pauses for a moment, but then suddenly gets up on his feet, tossing the bag of cookies aside. ]
Fine, [ he says, voice low, already starting towards the door. ] Didn't think simple sympathy would be so hard for you to get, but maybe you're right — maybe it was a mistake to expect anything from you.
Keith... all I can think about is eating. All I wanna do is eat. Everything — anything.
[ maybe it isn't common knowledge. he'd been hanging around sonia and listening to her science babbling for so long, since this whole thing began, that it had sort of just been ingrained into his system now. he knows the steps — he knows what's coming.
he still isn't entirely sure if that's any better now that he has to live it. ]
Soon... I'm gonna wanna start eating things I shouldn't be.
[ and the anger. and the violence. and the mindlessness. ]
How come even now, all you can think about is yourself?
I know how it works. [That's not the important part. The important part is that, again, he feels like he's failed in some way. Was there even a right way to handle Lance? Is Lance even thinking clearly right now? Keith doesn't know. He thought they were already past this.]
If all you think I'm doing is thinking about myself, then maybe you should go. But I have roommates. People who aren't sick. It's not just me here. [And Shiro had told Keith to take care of them.]
[ technically, the only reason they were past this was lance's own eagerness not to devolve into another fight, and also how easy it had been to calm him down with just the smallest of gestures.
but as his hunger mounts, so does his frustration, and keith's utter lack of ability to throw him a bone here, when he's been clearly just wanting attention and comfort and sympathy, is really starting to wear on him.
is this how it's always going to be? ]
Roommates? [ lance echoes the word almost incredulously. ] Are you even listening to yourself? You're seriously more worried for them than me? I'm your — [ he pauses for just a fraction of a second, a hint of uncertainty now. ] — friend. What, because I'm sick, there's no point in it anymore?
Where are you even getting this from? When did I say that I was more worried about them than you? [If anything, it's apparent that Keith feels truly and properly admonished, but he's at a loss. Sympathy doesn't come easily to him. He had thought that the back and forth before was just ... that it was just how he and Lance talk. Now, he realizes that he messed up somehow.]
I don't know what you want me to tell you. I ... I don't know. I'm sorry. Is that it? [He looks at Lance pleadingly.
Maybe this ... whatever it is, the more than friends part of their relationship. Maybe it was a mistake?]
[ hard to miss the desperation in that apology, especially when keith has always had those annoyingly big puppy eyes.
he notices it, too, the actual apology itself. the fact that this is the first time he's hearing it from the other... he didn't think keith even knew how to apologize, to be honest. ]
This whole time, Keith. That's where. I told you I was infected, and all you could do was think about the mission, and what you couldn't do for it. I told you I was scared, and you bring up everyone else. You see my symptoms getting worse, and your first thought is about your roommates?
[ all of this he manages in a calm voice, more factual than accusatory. where he had been so frustrated two seconds ago, he is only tired now. pleading, in his own way. because he realizes now that despite keith's errors, he knows they were just that — mistakes. nothing intentional, nothing hurtful. and that gives him some hope. ]
Do you even realize what all that sounds like to me?
[There are reactive questions that he could throw back, but he knows better than to do that. While those thoughts pop up in his mind, he doesn't act on them—not right away. It's how he's trying. It's how he's learning.]
I didn't realize. [As much as Keith would like to explain himself, the words don't come to him. Trying to put it all together is hard. He apologized to the team when he returned with Allura, but even that was simpler. It was more of a need to protect the team. To help them by doing what seemed to be best.]
I'm not used to this. Not just us, but all of it. [Having so many people to account for.] I'll keep trying, okay? [He hasn't been looking at Lance directly until this point. And he doesn't wait for Lance to respond before he adds:] Did you get hungrier because you were upset with me?
[It's a question that comes from a sincere place. He wants to understand. If he can help Lance curb the cravings by ... by being less upset, then he'll do what he can.
These things are always easier with Shiro. But then, Shiro's the only person who's ever had eternal patience with Keith. He recognizes that. He has for a while. But he wonders if maybe he's been taking it for granted.]
[ there is a brief moment there in the beginning that gives lance pause. —"all of it"? what does that mean... what all is there?
but before he could probe the curiosity further, keith's actual question sufficiently distracts him, forcing him to turn back inward again. ]
...I don't know, actually. Maybe? [ he tries to think back on when he first started to raid the fridge and cupboards. it did get sparked by a sudden bubble of frustration, he supposes.
idly, he rubs at the back of his head. ]
Thanks, though. [ this comes a little quieter, but he makes sure keith can hear it. ] For trying.
[ for wanting to. for a second there, he got really worried... ]
I'm always trying. [It's not meant to be entirely defensive, but he knows that's the way it sounds. Keith always gives his all to things these days, but that doesn't mean he does it the right way. That's why he felt like he failed a test. He hadn't known there was one in the first place.]
Just give me time. [Being a part of ALASTAIR ... and a part of this team has been life changing for him. Voltron was one thing, but this is another thing altogether.
There are so many people. There are less than there were at the Garrison, but it's ... different. Being with Voltron made the transition to this easier, but it's still hard.]
[ he slips his hands into his pockets, shoulders hunching in a half-shrug. it's as close to a defensive gesture as he gets, somewhat colored with humility as he ducks his head. ]
That's fair, [ he mumbles, recognizing now he'd normally be a lot more patient... ]
This virus thing is getting to me faster than I thought it would, I guess.
[Keith knows that he'd be in that position. He and Lance aren't known for their cool heads, it's just that Keith's version of rashness is a lot ... meaner.]
Look, just—throw the cookies out. I'm gonna go get changed, okay? Sit down.
[ lance responds to both with only a faint, noncommittal sound and a shrug. it's not really something he wants to dwell on — both the condition and the fight — so he is only more than happy to listen to keith's suggestion and reclaim his seat on the couch. (after, of course, picking the bag of cookies back up, resealing it, and tossing that into the bin.) ]
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[ luckily, that's rhetorical, but now he's just licking the icing off his fingers gross. ]
It'll take more than a couple of crackers to take me down, anyway. I got great metabolism.
[ that totally isn't gonna get hecked up by this cannibal virus, nope. ]
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So, thanks, I guess. [It doesn't occur to Keith that Lance could probably deserve some cookies right now.]
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[ ...he says. around a mouthful of pastel-colored zoo. ]
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[Though he supposes it'll just get thrown out anyway now.]
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[ have some indignant crumbs all over your couch!!
sure, he knows what he should do right now... but he's definitely trying to stall. for obvious reasons. ]
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But if you want anything else, get a bag and just take it with you. [Problem solving with Keith: he hasn't realized that Lance is stalling.]
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[ he pouts down at the bag of cookies, only realizing now it's more than halfway empty. geez, did he just inhale this? ]
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Where the heck'd you get that idea?
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Fine, [ he says, voice low, already starting towards the door. ] Didn't think simple sympathy would be so hard for you to get, but maybe you're right — maybe it was a mistake to expect anything from you.
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I just didn't want you to eat all our food!
[Sometimes he feels like he's failing some kind of test with Lance.]
And ... I can't risk getting sick. Not right now. I said that already. I want to be able to help. [Even if it means he's a callous jerk.]
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[ maybe it isn't common knowledge. he'd been hanging around sonia and listening to her science babbling for so long, since this whole thing began, that it had sort of just been ingrained into his system now. he knows the steps — he knows what's coming.
he still isn't entirely sure if that's any better now that he has to live it. ]
Soon... I'm gonna wanna start eating things I shouldn't be.
[ and the anger. and the violence. and the mindlessness. ]
How come even now, all you can think about is yourself?
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If all you think I'm doing is thinking about myself, then maybe you should go. But I have roommates. People who aren't sick. It's not just me here. [And Shiro had told Keith to take care of them.]
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but as his hunger mounts, so does his frustration, and keith's utter lack of ability to throw him a bone here, when he's been clearly just wanting attention and comfort and sympathy, is really starting to wear on him.
is this how it's always going to be? ]
Roommates? [ lance echoes the word almost incredulously. ] Are you even listening to yourself? You're seriously more worried for them than me? I'm your — [ he pauses for just a fraction of a second, a hint of uncertainty now. ] — friend. What, because I'm sick, there's no point in it anymore?
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I don't know what you want me to tell you. I ... I don't know. I'm sorry. Is that it? [He looks at Lance pleadingly.
Maybe this ... whatever it is, the more than friends part of their relationship. Maybe it was a mistake?]
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he notices it, too, the actual apology itself. the fact that this is the first time he's hearing it from the other... he didn't think keith even knew how to apologize, to be honest. ]
This whole time, Keith. That's where. I told you I was infected, and all you could do was think about the mission, and what you couldn't do for it. I told you I was scared, and you bring up everyone else. You see my symptoms getting worse, and your first thought is about your roommates?
[ all of this he manages in a calm voice, more factual than accusatory. where he had been so frustrated two seconds ago, he is only tired now. pleading, in his own way. because he realizes now that despite keith's errors, he knows they were just that — mistakes. nothing intentional, nothing hurtful. and that gives him some hope. ]
Do you even realize what all that sounds like to me?
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I didn't realize. [As much as Keith would like to explain himself, the words don't come to him. Trying to put it all together is hard. He apologized to the team when he returned with Allura, but even that was simpler. It was more of a need to protect the team. To help them by doing what seemed to be best.]
I'm not used to this. Not just us, but all of it. [Having so many people to account for.] I'll keep trying, okay? [He hasn't been looking at Lance directly until this point. And he doesn't wait for Lance to respond before he adds:] Did you get hungrier because you were upset with me?
[It's a question that comes from a sincere place. He wants to understand. If he can help Lance curb the cravings by ... by being less upset, then he'll do what he can.
These things are always easier with Shiro. But then, Shiro's the only person who's ever had eternal patience with Keith. He recognizes that. He has for a while. But he wonders if maybe he's been taking it for granted.]
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but before he could probe the curiosity further, keith's actual question sufficiently distracts him, forcing him to turn back inward again. ]
...I don't know, actually. Maybe? [ he tries to think back on when he first started to raid the fridge and cupboards. it did get sparked by a sudden bubble of frustration, he supposes.
idly, he rubs at the back of his head. ]
Thanks, though. [ this comes a little quieter, but he makes sure keith can hear it. ] For trying.
[ for wanting to. for a second there, he got really worried... ]
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Just give me time. [Being a part of ALASTAIR ... and a part of this team has been life changing for him. Voltron was one thing, but this is another thing altogether.
There are so many people. There are less than there were at the Garrison, but it's ... different. Being with Voltron made the transition to this easier, but it's still hard.]
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That's fair, [ he mumbles, recognizing now he'd normally be a lot more patient... ]
This virus thing is getting to me faster than I thought it would, I guess.
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[Keith knows that he'd be in that position. He and Lance aren't known for their cool heads, it's just that Keith's version of rashness is a lot ... meaner.]
Look, just—throw the cookies out. I'm gonna go get changed, okay? Sit down.
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