[ he looks away out of reflex. he'd been struggling to make sense of it for a while now, ever since perdition's rest — what made being part of voltron so different than what he does here, as part of audentes. having keith point it out so bluntly just reminds him of his own frustration. ]
It's not — easy, [ he concedes, ] but it's... simple. Simpler. We knew who we were fighting, back home. We knew what we had to do. We know that what we did have to do was always gonna be the right thing. [ there wasn't any of this back-and-forth and who-dun-it and all the greys that being part of audentes seems clouded in. ]
Anyway, you said stuff about the wormhole. [ he shrugs. ] It sounded like you thought they could control it.
I figure they've gotta be able to turn it off. [Turning it off isn't the same as controlling it. Otherwise, Oska would be filled with lots of people. He covers this first.]
When I got here, I didn't know what the heck we were here for. I had to take care of one of those squidges, remember? And then we had everything that followed. [The bugs. The reveal that Keith was likely Galra. It wasn't as bad as it was in reality, and Keith is actually grateful for that.]
We didn't know who the enemy was, but the stakes are just as high. There are more universes involved, but we have to save them. And we can't help our universe if we don't help all of them. To me, it's the same.
[There's an odd ... peace to his tone, in knowing his purpose in life.]
[ in contrast, lance only finds himself growing more sullen and restless. absently, he flicks one of the stale letters off the table. ]
We were supposed to be go home after we defeated Zarkon. [ as far as he knows, they had. ] Now we're even further away. [ these thoughts were always easier to quiet back home, when it was one thing after the other. getting that much closer to doing what they had to do. ]
Don't get me wrong, I like helping. I want to help. I just...
[ he quiets for a moment, words hitching like they were suddenly caught in his throat. he works hard to swallow around it. ]
[Keith's kneejerk thought is to snap at him for that thinking, because he is frustrated by it. But something about Shiro's faith in him keeps him from reacting as quickly as he might otherwise. If he's going to lead the team and be there for them while Shiro is gone (until they find Shiro—he strongly believes that they will, that they have to), he's going to have to swallow down his selfish remarks.
It's odd to think that Lance feels so strikingly opposite to him in all of this. Hadn't he wanted to be a fighter pilot? Hadn't he advanced on Keith's failure? It's hard for him to get inside of Lance's head.
Which is why this question follows:] Why does it feel bad? I don't get it. [There is no judgment, because he's swallowed it down. Keith just ... doesn't get it. He doesn't know where Lance is coming from. Sometimes, it really is as simple as that.]
[ later, he'll blame it on the sleepless nights. how the stress and the strain of the virus had worn his body down enough to affect his brain, that he would even fall so low as to forget what's most important here — that they're actually helping. he has to believe that they are.
but right now? he is tired. tired and ashamed and frankly a little lost, because it was never supposed to turn out like this. it wasn't so much that he wanted to be specifically a fighter pilot, though there's no doubt how much fun he has with it; in truth, all he wanted was to be a hero. a hero was praised, honored, acknowledged, respected. heroes did the right thing, at the right time, for the right reasons, and everyone knew it. with voltron, the stakes are real, but it is only really with alastair that he realizes just how real those stakes can be... ]
I hurt people. [ he figures he should start small, and work his way up to it. with sonia, she had needled it out of him, making him realize just how little he'd actually addressed it. just how much he'd kept from the very people he supposedly trusts with his own life. ]
Shiro's got a bruise on his head because of me, and Nami's got a hole in her because I couldn't control my own anger. And I know — I know that second one's the virus, not me, and ganging up on Shiro was the only way we could get him the cure but... but it still happened. It shouldn't have.
[ he leans back a little further in the chair, legs stretching out beneath the table, just so he can tip his head back against the back of it and stare up at the ceiling. ]
On that mermaid planet, Hunk was brainwashed too. He fought me, because he didn't know any better, but I was still able to get to him before either of us could get seriously hurt. It worked then, you know? Why couldn't it work now...
[ he quiets for a moment, struggling with his next words. ]
I know war isn't easy, or fun, or any of that. I know it's messy, and scary, and sad, but... but back home, when we all fought together, it never really felt like that. Back home, I knew what we were doing was right. We saved people. We saved everyone.
[In a way, Keith can't help but be reminded of the chat he had with Shiro back on that desolate planet that was only populated by monsters. The moment Lance lifts his head away to stare at the ceiling, Keith's body language tightens up, arms coming to cross over his chest as he moves to slouch obviously in his seat. He's not brooding or upset—but some part of him feels like he needs to be protected, to be armored, during this conversation. He's not even fully aware that he does it.
He listens as Lance goes on, though that doesn't mean he's even better at understanding. Keith had to watch a man that he promptly respected give his life for the cause ... and that wasn't even the first Galra to do it. Keith himself had to turn away from the knowledge of who he is for the sake of an alliance between Team Voltron and the Blade. He's had to make hard choices. Some part of him wonders if Lance even realizes that.
But then the final reveal comes. The slow, dawning realization of it hits Keith like a brick, and he straightens up in his seat. He doesn't uncross his arms, but he does look at Lance sharply.]
You're gonna have to go on. You killed a Deemer, right? So, how did it happen? What did you do? [From everything Lance has said so far, it sounds like he's painting every situation to sound worse than it actually is. Keith can't talk to him if he's going to do that here, and he needs to know to understand.]
[ there's a lot they don't know about each other. even now, even after all those times forming voltron, being inside each other's heads. there are things lance has done outside of the others' periphery, and vice versa, both as part of alastair and as a member of voltron. back home, they had the excuse of the fast-paced race to defeat zarkon. there wasn't really a lot of time afforded them to sit still, catch up, compare.
not that they should be comparing in the first place.
but if there's supposed to be a team — if they're supposed to be together — they can't really afford not to talk, can they?
when keith presses for more, lance grimaces out of reflex. his talk with sonia made him realize he had to acknowledge it if he wanted to move on, to do better. but he can't help but fear keith would look at him differently after all this. they just got to a point of admitting some kind of happiness in being together (though such words were never really used), did lance really want to ruin it now?
but keith is his teammate above all else. and despite the banter and arguments, he respects him too much to lie now. ]
I made a mistake. I thought if we could just talk to the Deemers, we'd be able to come to some kind of agreement or impasse or, or something.... [ depsite lance's usual flair for dramatics, he speaks candidly now. it's "worse" because he believes it to be worse, not because he wants to ham a story up to make himself look better. ]
But they didn't want to talk. They started shooting, and Lucina was there with me. There were too many of them, and they all had guns, and she just had a sword. Up until then, I'd been good, you know? Hit the arms, the legs, just enough to get hem to stop. But there was one too far away from her... I took him out before he could make the shot. Right between the eyes. [ his trigger hand clenches reflexively. ] I panicked.
You know that we've killed Galra, right? I get that it's different. That that guy's body didn't mean to be in that place. But we've already done this. We haven't had a choice. [The words are far from the reassuring ones that Keith wishes he had, but he has to open with them. Once, Shiro had worried that Keith might not be prepared to kill people if it came down to it. But for Keith, that hadn't been the issue. For him, it's saving the people who can be saved. Not all of the Galra can be saved, because they believe in what they're doing.
Separating the two had been important for Keith, and he believes that it's part of the struggle that Allura had been facing. He imagines that Lance just hasn't had a reason to get there yet.]
Look ... [He uncrosses his arms here as he presses on. Keith's hand reaches across toward Lance to squeeze his shoulder. It's fairly obvious whose body language he's mimicking, but he had to learn a comforting posture from somewhere.] You were saving a teammate. If you hadn't done it, she might not be here right now. And if she'd been hurt, what if you couldn't get her to Koltira on time?
But you can't think you've somehow changed in a bad way just because you're here. The fact that you're even worried says a lot, okay? [Again, his tone is similar to Shiro's, but there's a forcefulness and bluntness to it that is all Keith.]
[ he shifts a little when keith touches his shoulder, unconsciously tilting towards the offered (however awkwardly) gesture of comfort. tears prick his eyes like they had before, but thankfully they don't come down like rivers now. it's still hard to think about, but it seems to be getting easier to talk about, now that he's actually decided to talk about it.
he isn't clueless, though. he knows they've hurt others before. but in his own delusions, it had been easier for lance to separate it then. they were the deeds of a good guy, a hero, fighting on the right side, doing the right thing. it had helped that he never had to see any of the casualties as innocent before, and that he never had to see the outcome of it once the deed had been done. so it is a bitter pill to swallow now, to realize all the bad that will have to come with the good.
he tries to hang on to keith's words here though. it happened, and he can only hope to learn from it... but that doesn't mean he's different. that doesn't mean he's not any less than who he sers out to be. ]
...I guess you're right. [ and he'll smile in his gratitude, because it means a lot to him that keith isn't holding this against him, but words like that are a little hard for him to come by now. besides, what else is there to say?
so maybe some attempt at levity might be okay here: ]
[Keith breathes out the semblance of a laugh. His hand squeezes Lance's shoulder again before dropping away.] I'm not sure I'd call it wise. I just need you to remember why you're a paladin. [That's a way of discrediting himself. Some part of Keith recognizes that he wants Lance to realize he's doing good just because he wants it of someone he cares about, and that sometimes, it's as simple as that.]
Can you do me a favor, though? Can you be more careful in the future? [What struck Keith from that story isn't that Lance killed someone. That's bad. Keith knows that some part of him rebels at the idea of killing any of the Deemers, but he's far enough along in his understanding of the murky grey of their situation to know that he can't be hard on everyone for their failures. Otherwise, he'd have to hate himself for letting Thace sacrifice himself. And he knows that would be unfair to Thace.] You went in there because you believed you could talk some sense into them. It comes from a good place. But maybe that's the part you've gotta think about.
[If nothing else, Keith will always believe Lance needs a healthier dose of cynicism in his life.]
[ lance takes his time in responding, not because he's ready to argue (though wouldn't that be very typical of them?), but because he knows there's already enough cynicism in his life outside of himself that he doesn't need any of it himself. that's what being a team is all about, isn't it? leaning on each other, making up for what the other may be lacking.
he'd meant it that time, after defeating sendak with the rest. despite all their butting heads, they do make a pretty good team. ]
I'll be more careful, [ he agrees. but perhaps not in the way keith would prefer. ] Next time I'll make sure I know exactly what I'm dealing with.
[ because to lance, the problem isn't that he believed he coud talk some sense into them. to him, the problem was not knowing enough about them to know it would have been a bad idea in the first place. he'll never let go of his trust and faith, but he'll definitely strive to better cover all his bases in the future. ]
I messed up there, too, you know. I tried to help the Deemers out myself, to save them from the taraxa. It wasn't a good idea, and I had the bruises to show for it. [It feels important to say this. It's not surprising for Keith to do anything alone. Sonia had forced her way into helping, but he knows that he still hadn't organized or done anything with anyone else. If he had been the leader Shiro believed he could be, he would have been better at setting himself up there.
[ it's humbling, in a way, to hear keith admit to his own failures. though they aren't as severe as his own, lance still appreciates the honesty... the camaraderie. ]
And we will, [ he asserts, without any shred of doubt. they will because they have to. ]
But I think we can safely agree that we definitely function a lot better when we work together. [ if he had told keith his idea to speak to the deemers, keith would have been quick to remind him of all the reasons it wouldn't work. similarly, he's sure if keith had told him about his own plan, lance would have been able to see it from a different perspective. so it's not just a matter of teamwork, it's a matter of being a good fit.
they balance each other out in a lot of ways. ]
So how about every time from now on, we make sure we do?
I'll try. [It's not that he's disagreeing. It's more that Keith isn't always in a position to inform someone else before he dives into danger to save the day. That shred of self-awareness is what keeps him honest in the moment.] I won't always have the chance to tell you.
[He hopes that speaks for itself. Really, it's not that he disagrees with Lance's point—even the working together—but that there are just things that Keith will dive head first into doing because at that moment in time, it's what seems to be best.]
I'm ... okay. [But with Keith, "okay" really means that he's okay. He'll brush people off as fine when it's not Lance or Shiro, but at this point, he knows better than to hang his hopes on a lie.
His arms cross after a moment, head tilted forward.] You and Shiro are doing better. That's all I can really ask for.
[ there is a pause there, a moment to appreciate the simplicity of the boy before him. as simple as lance can be on his own at times, he definitely has a habit of overcomplicating things when he lets himself think too long on it.
having keith around to stymie that... it definitely helps. ]
Sleeping? [Keith says, tone rather bland. That's only a literal response because it's very easy to fall into that antagonistic tone rather quickly. It's not meant to be mean, though.
He lets the word only hang in the air long enough to add:] But that's not what you have in mind. It involves kissing, right?
Man sleep would be so good right now, [ lance sighs wistfully, sparing a few moments to relish in the memory of it. oh sleep. why must you continue to elude him like this.
but anyway. ]
Kissing, hugging, any combination of the two. I'll also take cuddling. Cuddling's definitely on the table. But not like on the table.
The table wouldn't be able to hold your weight. [An easy grin breaks out at the idea of it crumbling under Lance awkwardly cuddling the table, and not Keith himself. He has a sense of humor. It just comes out at really bizarre moments.]
I'm pretty sure hugging and cuddling are the same, though. One just lasts longer. [Pretty sure.]
Yeah, from all my amazing muscles! [ he made good use of that middle school gym ok...... ]
Anyway, cuddling's also usually horizontal. [ on a bed. but lance isn't allowing himself to think that far ahead just yet. ] I don't hear you saying no.
That's because I didn't. [Duh, Lance. Follow the program here!
Keith gets up and extends a hand to him, since the bed makes way more sense than sitting here and cuddling or trying to cram the bodies of two teenage boys onto a couch.]
[ remember when i said lance hadn't allowed himself to think that far ahead?
now he's thinking it.
which explains the sudden dumbfounded expression on his face when keith actually agrees to it. without even thinking, he takes the offered hand, but that's the only part of his body that really responds, the rest of him still rooted to that seat. ]
This is what guys ... like us do, right? Besides, the couch can't be that comfortable. [Keith doesn't want to say, "I want to see how it goes," or how he likes it, or whether he can cuddle at all. The thoughts are there, but he's hardly prone to vocalizing them.]
[ lance is tempted to clarify — it's what guys... like them do eventually. something something wait for the right time something make sure everyone is comfortable something.
but then he realizes this is keith, and if keith didn't want to do something, you knew it. so instead of tripping over his own tongue again, he just gets up to his feet instead. finally. ]
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It's not — easy, [ he concedes, ] but it's... simple. Simpler. We knew who we were fighting, back home. We knew what we had to do. We know that what we did have to do was always gonna be the right thing. [ there wasn't any of this back-and-forth and who-dun-it and all the greys that being part of audentes seems clouded in. ]
Anyway, you said stuff about the wormhole. [ he shrugs. ] It sounded like you thought they could control it.
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When I got here, I didn't know what the heck we were here for. I had to take care of one of those squidges, remember? And then we had everything that followed. [The bugs. The reveal that Keith was likely Galra. It wasn't as bad as it was in reality, and Keith is actually grateful for that.]
We didn't know who the enemy was, but the stakes are just as high. There are more universes involved, but we have to save them. And we can't help our universe if we don't help all of them. To me, it's the same.
[There's an odd ... peace to his tone, in knowing his purpose in life.]
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We were supposed to be go home after we defeated Zarkon. [ as far as he knows, they had. ] Now we're even further away. [ these thoughts were always easier to quiet back home, when it was one thing after the other. getting that much closer to doing what they had to do. ]
Don't get me wrong, I like helping. I want to help. I just...
[ he quiets for a moment, words hitching like they were suddenly caught in his throat. he works hard to swallow around it. ]
I didn't think helping would feel this bad.
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It's odd to think that Lance feels so strikingly opposite to him in all of this. Hadn't he wanted to be a fighter pilot? Hadn't he advanced on Keith's failure? It's hard for him to get inside of Lance's head.
Which is why this question follows:] Why does it feel bad? I don't get it. [There is no judgment, because he's swallowed it down. Keith just ... doesn't get it. He doesn't know where Lance is coming from. Sometimes, it really is as simple as that.]
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but right now? he is tired. tired and ashamed and frankly a little lost, because it was never supposed to turn out like this. it wasn't so much that he wanted to be specifically a fighter pilot, though there's no doubt how much fun he has with it; in truth, all he wanted was to be a hero. a hero was praised, honored, acknowledged, respected. heroes did the right thing, at the right time, for the right reasons, and everyone knew it. with voltron, the stakes are real, but it is only really with alastair that he realizes just how real those stakes can be... ]
I hurt people. [ he figures he should start small, and work his way up to it. with sonia, she had needled it out of him, making him realize just how little he'd actually addressed it. just how much he'd kept from the very people he supposedly trusts with his own life. ]
Shiro's got a bruise on his head because of me, and Nami's got a hole in her because I couldn't control my own anger. And I know — I know that second one's the virus, not me, and ganging up on Shiro was the only way we could get him the cure but... but it still happened. It shouldn't have.
[ he leans back a little further in the chair, legs stretching out beneath the table, just so he can tip his head back against the back of it and stare up at the ceiling. ]
On that mermaid planet, Hunk was brainwashed too. He fought me, because he didn't know any better, but I was still able to get to him before either of us could get seriously hurt. It worked then, you know? Why couldn't it work now...
[ he quiets for a moment, struggling with his next words. ]
I know war isn't easy, or fun, or any of that. I know it's messy, and scary, and sad, but... but back home, when we all fought together, it never really felt like that. Back home, I knew what we were doing was right. We saved people. We saved everyone.
But here...
I killed someone. Back on Perdition's Rest.
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He listens as Lance goes on, though that doesn't mean he's even better at understanding. Keith had to watch a man that he promptly respected give his life for the cause ... and that wasn't even the first Galra to do it. Keith himself had to turn away from the knowledge of who he is for the sake of an alliance between Team Voltron and the Blade. He's had to make hard choices. Some part of him wonders if Lance even realizes that.
But then the final reveal comes. The slow, dawning realization of it hits Keith like a brick, and he straightens up in his seat. He doesn't uncross his arms, but he does look at Lance sharply.]
You're gonna have to go on. You killed a Deemer, right? So, how did it happen? What did you do? [From everything Lance has said so far, it sounds like he's painting every situation to sound worse than it actually is. Keith can't talk to him if he's going to do that here, and he needs to know to understand.]
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not that they should be comparing in the first place.
but if there's supposed to be a team — if they're supposed to be together — they can't really afford not to talk, can they?
when keith presses for more, lance grimaces out of reflex. his talk with sonia made him realize he had to acknowledge it if he wanted to move on, to do better. but he can't help but fear keith would look at him differently after all this. they just got to a point of admitting some kind of happiness in being together (though such words were never really used), did lance really want to ruin it now?
but keith is his teammate above all else. and despite the banter and arguments, he respects him too much to lie now. ]
I made a mistake. I thought if we could just talk to the Deemers, we'd be able to come to some kind of agreement or impasse or, or something.... [ depsite lance's usual flair for dramatics, he speaks candidly now. it's "worse" because he believes it to be worse, not because he wants to ham a story up to make himself look better. ]
But they didn't want to talk. They started shooting, and Lucina was there with me. There were too many of them, and they all had guns, and she just had a sword. Up until then, I'd been good, you know? Hit the arms, the legs, just enough to get hem to stop. But there was one too far away from her... I took him out before he could make the shot. Right between the eyes. [ his trigger hand clenches reflexively. ] I panicked.
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Separating the two had been important for Keith, and he believes that it's part of the struggle that Allura had been facing. He imagines that Lance just hasn't had a reason to get there yet.]
Look ... [He uncrosses his arms here as he presses on. Keith's hand reaches across toward Lance to squeeze his shoulder. It's fairly obvious whose body language he's mimicking, but he had to learn a comforting posture from somewhere.] You were saving a teammate. If you hadn't done it, she might not be here right now. And if she'd been hurt, what if you couldn't get her to Koltira on time?
But you can't think you've somehow changed in a bad way just because you're here. The fact that you're even worried says a lot, okay? [Again, his tone is similar to Shiro's, but there's a forcefulness and bluntness to it that is all Keith.]
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he isn't clueless, though. he knows they've hurt others before. but in his own delusions, it had been easier for lance to separate it then. they were the deeds of a good guy, a hero, fighting on the right side, doing the right thing. it had helped that he never had to see any of the casualties as innocent before, and that he never had to see the outcome of it once the deed had been done. so it is a bitter pill to swallow now, to realize all the bad that will have to come with the good.
he tries to hang on to keith's words here though. it happened, and he can only hope to learn from it... but that doesn't mean he's different. that doesn't mean he's not any less than who he sers out to be. ]
...I guess you're right. [ and he'll smile in his gratitude, because it means a lot to him that keith isn't holding this against him, but words like that are a little hard for him to come by now. besides, what else is there to say?
so maybe some attempt at levity might be okay here: ]
Since when did you get to be so wise?
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Can you do me a favor, though? Can you be more careful in the future? [What struck Keith from that story isn't that Lance killed someone. That's bad. Keith knows that some part of him rebels at the idea of killing any of the Deemers, but he's far enough along in his understanding of the murky grey of their situation to know that he can't be hard on everyone for their failures. Otherwise, he'd have to hate himself for letting Thace sacrifice himself. And he knows that would be unfair to Thace.] You went in there because you believed you could talk some sense into them. It comes from a good place. But maybe that's the part you've gotta think about.
[If nothing else, Keith will always believe Lance needs a healthier dose of cynicism in his life.]
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he'd meant it that time, after defeating sendak with the rest. despite all their butting heads, they do make a pretty good team. ]
I'll be more careful, [ he agrees. but perhaps not in the way keith would prefer. ] Next time I'll make sure I know exactly what I'm dealing with.
[ because to lance, the problem isn't that he believed he coud talk some sense into them. to him, the problem was not knowing enough about them to know it would have been a bad idea in the first place. he'll never let go of his trust and faith, but he'll definitely strive to better cover all his bases in the future. ]
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But he hadn't been.]
We make mistakes. We'll just have to do better.
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And we will, [ he asserts, without any shred of doubt. they will because they have to. ]
But I think we can safely agree that we definitely function a lot better when we work together. [ if he had told keith his idea to speak to the deemers, keith would have been quick to remind him of all the reasons it wouldn't work. similarly, he's sure if keith had told him about his own plan, lance would have been able to see it from a different perspective. so it's not just a matter of teamwork, it's a matter of being a good fit.
they balance each other out in a lot of ways. ]
So how about every time from now on, we make sure we do?
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[He hopes that speaks for itself. Really, it's not that he disagrees with Lance's point—even the working together—but that there are just things that Keith will dive head first into doing because at that moment in time, it's what seems to be best.]
But I really will try when I can.
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Deal.
[ he starts to return to his solitary game of scrabble then, now trying to find the right letters to spell out his and keith's name. ]
What about you? [ he asks after finding a 'k'. ] How're you holding up with all this?
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His arms cross after a moment, head tilted forward.] You and Shiro are doing better. That's all I can really ask for.
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having keith around to stymie that... it definitely helps. ]
...Know how you can make me feel even better?
[ cue waggling of brows here ]
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He lets the word only hang in the air long enough to add:] But that's not what you have in mind. It involves kissing, right?
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Man sleep would be so good right now, [ lance sighs wistfully, sparing a few moments to relish in the memory of it. oh sleep. why must you continue to elude him like this.
but anyway. ]
Kissing, hugging, any combination of the two. I'll also take cuddling. Cuddling's definitely on the table. But not like on the table.
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I'm pretty sure hugging and cuddling are the same, though. One just lasts longer. [Pretty sure.]
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Anyway, cuddling's also usually horizontal. [ on a bed. but lance isn't allowing himself to think that far ahead just yet. ] I don't hear you saying no.
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Keith gets up and extends a hand to him, since the bed makes way more sense than sitting here and cuddling or trying to cram the bodies of two teenage boys onto a couch.]
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now he's thinking it.
which explains the sudden dumbfounded expression on his face when keith actually agrees to it. without even thinking, he takes the offered hand, but that's the only part of his body that really responds, the rest of him still rooted to that seat. ]
Wait — seriously?
[ omg are they there now? ]
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but then he realizes this is keith, and if keith didn't want to do something, you knew it. so instead of tripping over his own tongue again, he just gets up to his feet instead. finally. ]
My back's definitely missing a mattress, yeah...
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