secondnature | open post (general)

[It doesn't occur to him yet that Shiro might be avoiding him. That he might be taking his time. Keith is so mixed up in his head right now that picking up such a nuance would be difficult. Besides—underlying all of that is a simple fact: Shiro was dead, and now he's alive. No matter what comes their way, he had found him. He had saved him. He had exposed his team to "Shiro" in the first place, but still ... still.

Keith considers moving to the outside of the bathroom door, closer so he can be heard more easily, but he's aware enough that it would be approaching invasive. Besides, he knows how quickly he'd move if Shiro needed it. Distance is nothing when it's the only barrier between him and helping Shiro.]

Being alive? [It feels like a good idea to go back to that point. He had been kept in the Black Lion.]

Not that it feels like you ever died. I got lucky that way. [With "Shiro" present, Keith could run. He could find his mom. He could grow up. And everyone nearly died for it.

His lips twist downward with the recognition.]

Me ... and no one else.

[ Shiro wouldn't call it 'avoiding' necessarily, even if that's exactly what it is. Allura might have fixed this, put him back inside his body (arguably, in theory, if not necessarily) but there were things that she couldn't fix. Things he had to work out on his own. For all that he urged the others to share their burdens, it didn't seem fair to do this to Keith, not when he's already done so much to him.

Glancing down at the bruising on his skin, he can almost pick out each individual strike, remembering those just as vividly as the bruising splashed across it. ]

Yeah.

[ Shiro's voice goes soft in agreement and then repeats it when he realizes he may be talking too quietly. He can't in here forever, though. Gingerly (after he's cleaned up, washing between his toes just for the novelty of it, and because he has toes again) he rises up and flicks the shower on, not minding the burst of too-hot before the pipes creak to cooler and he washes his hair hurriedly. It buys him time to think about what to say as he wraps up and steps out, dripping onto the towel on the ground, groping for one hanging. ]

I'm not certain that's luck, Keith.

[ Towel wrapped around his waist, he goes back in front of the mirror and abruptly realizes that it's not just the front of his hair white again. A turn-around, a hand through his hair and a moment of silence as he puts everything together and then he swallows back the shock and starts to towel it dry while the one around his waist does its best to stay there. ]

You know I don't...blame you for not knowing.

You wouldn't. [It's both dismissive and not. Keith accepts that about Shiro. That he'll always believe in him. For his part, he wants to wallow in the guilt about it all, about how he abandoned everyone. He'll have to live with that for the rest of his life. He never even bonded with Black. Once he had the opportunity, he pulled away.

There are a lot of things he could have done to stop this.

And he didn't do any of them.]

But we can't just pretend that I didn't have a role in all of this. [Keith has a solid foundation to these words. Whereas Keith might have learned from a mistake and just continued on before, he's managing what he's saying and thinking here in a different way. It's important to reflect on those mistakes and grow from them.

His mother lived with regret. She had left behind her son and the man she loved in order to protect them. And now she would never leave Keith's side, no matter what. It meant a lot to him. He could take those lessons and those mistakes and carry them forward. He had to. It might have taken him a long time to understand what it meant for Keith to believe in himself, but ... he couldn't just back down from it now.]

We know there's things I could've done. I didn't do them. I'll try not to make those mistakes again.

[ Maybe the earlier parts weren't due to stress at all. Fingering through it, Shiro checks the roots and finds they're white too. Stress was suggested, but now... well. It wasn't Allura's fault that he had white hair to begin with, that only happened after Haggar. Whatever magic she'd used was Altean in nature and it shifted the rest of his hair white, evidently, which left him with an even more unsettling thought. If Allura had been the one to place him back in his body and it turned his hair white, what had Haggar done to him, to turn it white? Was that...something to do with the cloning process?

He wasn't going to get answers staring at himself in the mirror; Shiro blows out an unsteady breath and focuses on Keith instead. It's a thousand times easier to do that, especially when Keith's blaming himself for something Shiro knows without a doubt isn't his fault. ]

Keith.

[ He really wants to have this conversation with pants on, but Shiro pushes the door open a bit wider, looking out at him. He doesn't need to see the map of bruises on Shiro's skin any more than Shiro wants to see Keith's own, even if he probably deserves to look at it. Just his head, peeking out from behind the door so he can give Keith a long look, serious despite his hair damp and dripping. ]

Hindsight is always going to be perfect. If I'd bonded with Black sooner, or faster, maybe I'd understand how to navigate things better. You're going to twist yourself up in knots over this when none of it - none of it is your fault.

[Keith sucks in a breath after he turns to look at Shiro. His chest is bare and he has just a towel wrapped around his waist. The bruises are prevalent, licking over his skin, and they steal his eyes eventually. But he doesn't linger.

He pushes himself up standing to look Shiro head on. He doesn't cross the distance, but he needs him to see how much he's grown. It isn't just the blame game. He just doesn't know how to articulate that to him. Keith has to learn from his mistakes, or he'll never be who he needs to be to other people. He could take what Shiro says to heart—and he does, to some degree.]

I made mistakes. I let the team down. I'm not twisting myself up in knots over it. You can't protect me from my part in all of this. Not if I'm meant to be the leader that you think I can be. [This is the worst conversation to have while one of them is barely covered with a towel, but it's a conversation just the same. Hopefully the pizza doesn't come at the highest moment of drama.

His lips form a tight line as he considers his last words, and he adds:] Or the leader that I am.

[ Maybe Keith's right. Maybe Shiro's giving him too much leeway, or not making him take enough responsibility for what's happened. It's in his nature to want to protect Keith as much as he can, to try and make sure that the path he takes is cleared of the worst of the obstacles and he's supported so he can flourish. Maybe he's been too soft lately and he's doing more harm than good.

Hindsight.

Shiro closes the door back again when he's realized that a little too much is visible and tugs on what he can, which, while still dirty, is at least covering the vast majority of bare, naked skin. It feels like it takes ages to try and dress again as he figures out which way to bend and how to do things one-handed, but he's not about to ask Keith to do the equivalent of buttoning his pants. ]

Alright. Leaders make mistakes sometimes. We all know I've made my fair share. Learning and growing is the important part.

[ Finally decent, Shiro pads back out on bare feet, towel slung around his neck, reaching out half-way to Keith's arm before he seems to think better of it, not knowing where they stand on any of this right now and hating it. ]

I know it might not seem like it, but things do feel better after a shower, and there's still hot water. Why don't you take one before everyone else gets back?

[ Hotels have ice machines, right? Shiro goes over to the little holder on the slightly tarnished little try and neatly plucks up the little plastic baggies meant to hold ice for cooling drinks; in this case, with the towels and bags: mini ice packs. At least something's easy. ]

[Somehow, having mental clarity about his own involvement in this is all he can handle. He notices Shiro pull away, but it's like his brain short circuits before he can come up with a solution. If Shiro does remember the fight, then—maybe that part is there. Maybe that's making it worse. It means that Shiro knows what he said, and what pushed Keith to that moment, and how his teeth had changed and he felt himself change, and—

No, it's better to focus on himself. On his mistakes. On how he can not make them again. It's easier. He can take that initiative and sound sure of himself. He can be a leader, because he can step up and tell Shiro what he feels needs to be said here.]

Right. Knock when the pizza's here. I'll try not to take too long.

[Keith is not a long shower taker, but this is a time that might prove to be an exception to the rule. He knows that the water splattering against his skin is going to unearth some of the pain in his body, reminding him that he's been doing a fine job of ignoring his pain receptors in favor of looking after Shiro. Heck, he can already feel some of those aches and pains come up as he considers them.

He studies Shiro for a moment longer before he slips off into the bathroom, closing the door behind him. He knows the statement it makes, but he doesn't want Shiro to feel responsible for him right now. He wants to finally, once and for all, remove that from his shoulders and carry a great deal of it himself.]

[ Share your burdens, Shiro thinks to himself just as the door closes and hates that he knows he's not really setting an example for that with how he's handled things so far. Pretending like this is normal isn't the right choice, but addressing all of it at once, or really any part of it when they're...like this just begs for things to go wrong, potentially.

Still, when that door closes Shiro can't help but feel more certain he's made the wrong choice even if it's too late to take back. Cleaning up, food, and then they'll catch up on everything, properly. Shiro can start putting together the fractured pieces of his memory, and maybe he'll know what to do this time around.

Taking the plastic bags, he scribbles a quick note to Keith and leaves it on the ground in front of the bathroom just in case he does get out before Shiro finds the ice machine. went to find ice 10:32 - shiro

The halls are deserted but that's for the best as he tries to figure out exactly where an ice machine would be, following signs on the walls until he gets there. It doesn't take more than a minute or two but on his way back he glances down and sees a pizza delivery sign glowing on top of a car, moving a little quicker back into the hotel room. The note gets scooped up, placed on the nightstand on his way to knock lightly at the door. ]

Keith. I think the pizza will be here soon.

[ He really, really shouldn't answer the door missing an arm, wearing what he's wearing, so it really is up to Keith right now. ]

[It's the first time he's had a shower in two years. It's crazy to think of it that way. And it's just that which keeps him in there, hand pressed against the wall as he holds himself up and tries to find the strength to remain on his feet. Keith drinks in some of the water, too, realizing just how dry his mouth is all the while. He's not going to keep going without hydration, that much is for certain.

His mind wanders, first to the last day, and second to everything that Shiro just ... doesn't know. Keith realizes he took for granted that he knew about the years, but maybe he doesn't know. Maybe that memory never found a place in his mind before Haggar took over. He needs to catch him up, to make sure he realizes it.

He turns off the water soon after Shiro knocks and tugs on his clothing. They'll have to get something better soon, but it's not like they can call Pizza Hut for a pair of pants and a T-shirt.

Keith steps out and sets his hand on Shiro's shoulder as he passes him. It's a planned, very conscious action, bridging the gap between the two of them. Keith needs that familiarity right now.]

Stay here. I've got this.

[ The ice is already starting to melt, dripping down his wrist, the line of his arm as he holds it and finally goes to deposit it in the little leatherette container. When Keith comes out, Shiro moves to go back in there to fetch more towels, only to freeze as Keith presses a hand to his shoulder.

The movement is sweet. Deliberate. I love you. ]

The tip should be about twenty.

[ He's always been decent at math but hasn't had to calculate tips in a long time. It's not his credit card, either, but he has a feeling that either his parents find out what happened and it's fine, or they never do and they wind up with a mystery charge for pizza on their card. Maybe they don't notice.

Shiro swallows back anything else he wants to say and lets him pass, going for those towels. Whatever happens with the pizza guy, he doesn't know, but on his way out of the fogged bathroom, Shiro has a few towels with ice-bags in them, which he settles onto the bed in that same container. ]

It's no healing pod or space goo, but...

[ But it's normal. It's the one piece of normal he's had in literal years and when he smells the pizza he almost tears up with how relieve he is. Earth. ]

[Keith ends up giving an extra five dollars on top of the twenty when the delivery guy turns out to be the same one who answered the phone to him. He winces when he hears Keith's voice, which is enough to earn that extra few dollars. He might be bad at people, but he at least has the decency to pay someone out for it. He'll just have to explain to Shiro's mom that the pizza guy earned it.

(And, undoubtedly, Shiro's mom is Well Aware of the deficiencies in Keith's personality. He wasn't the easiest kid to share mourning space with at any point.)

After setting the rest of the pizzas on the tiny hotel desk, he carries over the ones meant for him and Shiro and sets them on Shiro's bed. He doesn't even entertain sitting on his own, instead giving in to his selfish desire for closeness. For familiarity. Back at the Garrison, they would get a pizza for each of them. Their orders were always drastically different, so it proved necessary. And they were growing boys (... men, in Shiro's case) with the appetite to boot.]

We don't need a healing pod when we have pizza. It covers for both.

[These words? They're absolutely small talk. But that bland chatter might be necessary right now.]

[ Whatever works, in Shiro's mind. Five dollars is a drop in the bucket and it's not like they can use GAC to pay for things here. While Keith takes care of the pizza, Shiro settles himself on the bed he was sleeping on earlier, gingerly sitting back against the headboard. One of the ice packs goes right over his stomach where some of the bruising is turning violet under his shirt and the other make-shift ice pack he offers to Keith, not quite able to smile as he does it.

Keith does settle down next to him, though, which is more than he really expects to get, even if he should know better. Keith's good, and gives Shiro more than he deserves, probably. ]

Pizza fixes almost everything.

[ Tugging the boxes that are theirs closer, he pops open a smaller one filled with cheesy bread and just looks at it for a moment. Hunk had always been great at making what he could from what they had but this was real, genuine, terrible for you food and the first bite he takes is perfect burning the roof of his mouth but he can't really bring himself to care. The groan he lets out isn't pornographic but it is low and pleased and he polishes it off in two more bites before opening up his box. ]

The pizza rolls Hunk made were good, but...

[ Nothing really compares to the real thing. ]

There's barely any milk in space. I still don't know what he was using to emulate it before we picked up Kaltenecker. [And after he left the team, he hadn't had any milk—right up until this moment. Keith savors the taste soon after he speaks, eyes closing as he enjoys it. Some part of him wonders if this is actually good, or if it's the familiarity of it all that is going to make it better.

(As for the whole faux cheese thing: Keith would never, ever ask. Some things are better not known. And Hunk did try to make cookies out of something that was basically ... glass. So, there's that.)

Keith falls silent soon after, slipping into the rhythm of eating and keeping an ear out for the others returning. Something tells him that won't be happening anytime soon. His mom might stop in, but she won't even expect him to be awake yet. Probably. He could talk between bites, but Keith isn't the type of person to fill silence with sound.

Plus, he knows that they'd just keep talking about the pizza. And they both know the pizza is good.

They're eating it, after all.]

[ Shiro's quiet a second because, well, he'd never really considered that before and now he's considering it a little too much. Which...speaking of the cow, is she outside? In a different hotel room? Shiro can't believe that they would have left her when Lance was so fond of her but with how little time they had...

He can't get upset over a cow. The cow's probably fine and they'll have to figure out what the hell to do with her eventually but he's not going to borrow trouble for the time being. They have other things to worry about.

Shiro pushes the cheesy bread over to Keith and goes in to his box for the pizza, delicately folding it after making sure the cheese won't spill out when he bites. After he polishes off a single piece, he figures he ought to ask Keith a little more detail. ]

I don't suppose there's a cliff notes version of everything I missed?

It still feels like you were there. [Keith knows that isn't true. It is in one way—he was in the Black Lion the entire time—but he knows how difficult it was for Shiro to maintain a presence when he connected with him there. It wasn't like Shiro was just hanging out in Black's head. He had saved Shiro's life, but life and its essence were way more complicated than all of that.

As it is, he wishes Lance were here. If anyone loves hearing themselves talk while giving other people the rundown on what they missed, it's Lance. Keith doesn't like being in this spot. Heck, it was nice to have to be forced to experience his past and what happened with his parents. Krolia's not the type of person to want to do exposition, either.]

But uh ... [Keith studies his open box of pizza. His hands absently grab for the cheese bread, but he accidentally takes the entire thing of it, and moves to pull it apart and drop the rest back in. Well, at least it's partly split up now.]

I guess you know Zarkon didn't really die that day. Lotor was named Emperor in his place, but he had plans of his own. I took over piloting the Black Lion, but I couldn't do it for long. After we found ... that "Shiro," I started asking him to step in. I don't know a lot of what happened with the team once Black accepted him again. I know they built up the coalition. I worked with the Blade. And met my mom. And then everything went down with Lotor. I think you know the rest.

[There are like fifteen beats missed there and they're all things Keith knows.

He also, unsurprisingly, skipped Certain Parts.]

I mean...I was, effectively. Maybe not me but close.

[ He can remember most of what the other Shiro, other him does, even if it's a little bit murkier than his own. Everything is murky at this point, though, so that's not saying much, really. While he reaches for another slice of pizza he watches Keith, trying not to study every single movement and analyze what it means even as he does it.

When it's done, Shiro finishes chewing and weighs his words a moment, not wanting to say the wrong thing, especially when he remembers how poorly this other him and Keith interacted at times. It wasn't Keith's fault, but Shiro wasn't sure if he knew that. Hell, he's not even sure if Haggar had anything to do with it, or if it was just...him. ]

I'm sorry about how difficult things were with him. Me. I know it's never really been like that before, disagreeing to that extent. You did a good - no, a great job with the team. You got them to this point and I'm proud of how far you've come.

I showed up when I needed to. [Keith knows it's a noncommittal answer. He had taken Black when he needed to, and he knows he did well there. But Shiro's words wouldn't have hit him so hard if he wasn't angling for them to be said in the first place. He was backing down. And Shiro ... a version of Shiro that wasn't entirely himself anymore ... of course he'd be frustrated.]

And I did what I could. But I didn't make it easier on ... him. You. It wasn't fair. I have to keep myself from doing it again.

[It's not like two years can completely erase all of Keith's vulnerabilities. Several years as Shiro's friend hadn't done the trick, and Shiro had tried. Some part of him knows he could return to that place.]

Though I guess that leaves a lot of decisions up to you. Once we have to make them.

Keith.

[ He's too worn to sound sharp, but there's an edge of something like disappointment to his voice. Not disappointment in Keith, but in how little credit he gives himself. Shiro can train him and guide him all he wants but Keith needs to be the one to recognize just how much he's done and how far he's come. This isn't something to argue. Some battles just...aren't worth fighting and Shiro recognizes that. ]

No. [ This, he's certain of. Keith may think he hangs the moon, but Shiro's realistic about this. He can't lead, not in this state. He shouldn't make any decisions, not until they know what is or isn't wrong with him. He shouldn't make decisions anyway - Black is Keith's now. He's the leader and Shiro knows how to gracefully step back, he hopes. ]

The team is yours, Keith. It has been for a while in spirit if not in name.

[Two years with his mother had been, in short, life changing. It wasn't that he had relied on Shiro's words alone, it was that he hadn't let anyone else get close enough to matter. Keith finally had to let go of the biases and false beliefs he held on to his entire life. He had to change what he thought and believed from the start. It's not that he didn't take the step forward when he got back. He did. It's just—

It's one thing to do it in a crisis. It's another thing to do it while Shiro is sitting there, afraid of himself.

Keith would write off Shiro's words, would point out otherwise, but he's well aware that he can't run anymore. His words were an attempt at that, but they were also an attempt at showing that Shiro is no less important. That's to him and the others. None of them would want to lose Shiro as a leader, just because they care about him.

Because he's way more seasoned than Keith will ever be. It's not like his mom spent a whole lot of time getting Keith prepared to think about others. He's still ... adjusting to being among a lot of people now.

Keith's head dips, and he finally nods.]

I understand. I'm ready. [It's a different take, a different approach, than before. Keith wonders if Shiro remembers that much. Maybe it's better if he doesn't. But it feels dishonest if he doesn't, so it's a mixed bag for Keith.]

I'd like it if you didn't stay here. On Earth. If you wouldn't mind coming back out there with us once Coran finishes the new ship.

[ Part of Shiro braces for an argument, not quite sure what to expect from this conversation but hoping that it goes smoothly. It's not that he thinks Keith wants to be complicated or argue, but he knows it's a sensitive subject, to say the very least and there's a level of delicacy that has to be had with it. ]

I know you are.

[ There's no piece of Shiro that doubts it. Keith is nothing if not capable and with everything that's happened Shiro knows that leaving the team in his hand, with Allura and Coran guiding is the right choice. He'll include himself in that roster once they've cleared him for duty and made certain that there aren't any lingering issues with what happened, but he's not sure how long that will take.

Maybe it'd be worthwhile to contact the Blade, since he's not certain that anywhere on Earth is equipped to handle whatever they would need to do with him. Weirdly, or perhaps not, he wishes Ulaz were still alive. He would be the best bet when it came to figuring out what the hell was done to him.

Picking a piece of pepperoni off the pizza, Shiro gives him a barely-there smile, popping it into his mouth. ]

I'll come. I can't...there'll always be a part of me that wants to stay here, to stay home, but I can't. Not with everything going on. Not while I'm effectively dead, here.

There's no reason why you have to stay dead. [Sometimes, Keith is too straightforward. When Shiro says he's effectively dead, Keith interprets it as something he's going to keep that way. Maybe he's afraid of hurting more people, but that just seems like a questionable move. That's probably because it sounds like something Keith himself would decide. That means it should be off the table. He has enough self awareness to make that call.]

I—I want you with us, but not if it means that you're avoiding everything you left behind. You'd tell me the same thing, if I were in your shoes.

[That's the thing, though. It was never Shiro who had been left behind. It was always Keith. His mom, his dad's death, and then Shiro. The recognition of it isn't in his words, but it might explain the simple, straightforward approach to the situation.]

...there are a few. At least for right now.

[ Shiro points it out as gently as humanly possible, realistic. ]

We'll need to talk to the rest of the team, first. I want to talk to the Holts, too. It isn't just my decision to make.

[ It's not his decision to make when it comes to announcing that they're all still somehow alive and he won't make that choice for them if he doesn't have to. They have family to worry about, too, and when it comes down to it they're going to have to get the Garrison involved in some capacity and that means they're going to have to be strategic about how they approach all of this. It's one thing to come back from the dead, but it's another to do it with a bunch of other people presumed dead and then tell everyone that aliens exist. ]

Until we're sure that I'm cleared of Haggar's influence, though, I can't be involved in any meetings determining locations, or anything important. That includes the Garrison and any personnel and families. I can't — I won't risk them.

[Keith knows that Shiro has no way of knowing how he was transferred to his body. Of all the memories, that was one that had to be absent. He wonders if he should point out the obvious here. Without Allura present to confirm anything, he doesn't want to risk it. What if he's wrong? What if there's a reason why Shiro is afraid? Keith doesn't even entirely know what Haggar did to him.

He looks uncomfortable with the prospect. He also knows he has to make a call. His emotions can't really take heed here, even if that's what they might have done in the past. He thinks of his mother, and how he had been running around in the Blade in a while without meeting her. It's ... it's complicated. She had been fine with putting off their bonding, right until the circumstances of the Quantum Abyss had forced it.

And now ...

Keith can't make this call for Shiro. But he can decide what the paladins do.]

We'll do everything we can to get you cleared before we leave. It's the least we can do.

[It would be tactless to point out that Haggar can already find them. Keith would have said the tactless thing before, but ... well ...

He goes with this instead:] But I—it was your arm. I think she did something to your arm. You came to after I cut it off. [There's a soft, uncomfortable rasp to his voice here.]

[ As if in response to Keith's comment about slicing it off, Shiro's arm aches despite there not being any arm left to ache. It's a strange thing to see, just this...nothingness there, sliced off nearly at the shoulder. After everything he's seen and everything that the paladins have encountered Shiro isn't worried about getting a new one but it's still going to be inconvenient for a while and he's going to have to learn and adapt until a new one is fixed up for him. It could be a while, especially if they're working on a new ship.

There's nothing he can do, not right now, certainly not until he's checked out which means sitting here, with Keith is about the best he can manage. ]

It...wouldn't surprise me if that were what caused it. [ He's not foolish enough to think that he secretly wanted to kill them, or that he was the reason he went after Keith. Everything in him aches to protect Keith, to keep him safe and watch him be successful. He wouldn't do that if he had a choice but he didn't. Quieter, like a confession he's not sure he wants to make,]

Part of me still thinks that there's something else, that she planned for that and could do it again.

[Keith's natural instinct is to rush to say that Haggar couldn't pull it off again. He wants to believe in that. But he ignores the defiance that fills up inside of his gut, instead forcing himself to pay attention to his experiences. What he saw on that planet said everything he needed to know. And Shiro—the Shiro that feels so separate from this Shiro, even if Keith couldn't bring himself to care about him any less—had brought him there. Lured him there. Like he needed to know the truth.

All evidence says that everything there is destroyed. That's something.]

She did have a plan. She had backups, too. [The soft rasp doesn't dissipate. Keith doesn't want to talk about this, but what he wants and what they need to do are two separate things in his moment.]

But ... I'm worried about you. About how long it'll take you to feel you're checked out. Will you ever feel that way?

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i can't keith i gotta pilot the white lion ok

be voltron's wings!!!

i wish we knew fuckin anything about shiro's fam

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