CONTACT POST.

[secondnature]

username: keith

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[secondnature]

[From Keith's perspective, he genuinely doesn't know what he said was wrong. He just hadn't wanted to say "you die." The very words make him clench up inside, like it's a thing he's familiar with but doesn't want to handle. He's been avoiding those thoughts since Shiro told him, even if he knows what it might come to.

He even knows why Shiro needs to be locked up, and what might happen ... if things get worse. When things get worse.]

Maybe you made a mistake in expecting anything from me. [Keith is a lot of things, but being good at defusing a bad situation? He isn't there yet. His impatience is one that comes through clearly with most circumstances. When it comes to motivating someone, he keeps waiting until they get done with their worries to make things happen. He isn't Shiro ... or Rey or a lot of other people who can say things to make people believe in themselves. He's just himself.]

I just said this team hasn't failed. What more do you want?

[competing]

[ but lance isn't looking for those kind of motivating words. sure, they'd help, and they'd definitely be nice. but he had been hoping for... something. anything. literally anything to show keith actually cared.

logically, rationally, he knows keith cares. he has to. but what he knows and what he's hearig are two very different things.

maybe keith is right, and his mistake had been in expecting anything at all. ]

I dunno, Keith, maybe I was expecting the guy I'm technically dating to actually act like he cared. You know. About me.

[ he sighs angrily, stabbing a chopstick into a half-eaten dumpling that had fallen on the ground earlier. without thinking, he shoves it into his mouth, chewing harshly. when he swallows, and he gets a little more food into his system, he's able to calm himself a little more. ]

Look, I know...

I know this isn't just about me. I know it isn't. But maybe sometimes it can be. It'd be nice, just this once.

[secondnature]

[Keith wants to point out that he hadn't made it a secret that he'd be bad at this stuff, but it occurs to him that that might be part of the problem. His failings, his selfishness—isn't he aware of it already? When things get hard, he knows that it's easier to see where he does or doesn't fit in to this. For so long, he's been stuck thinking of himself. That's how he made it through life.

When confronted by something like this, it's easy to backslide. He can throw himself at a million problems. If they involve explosions, he knows he can survive. He'll make it. Besides, someone has to.

But this type of thing—

He looks sullen and looks away, arms coming up around his body in what becomes a protective stance.]

It is about you. And Shiro, too. [Some part of him knows that he has to say more, but he struggles to get the words out. He visibly looks uncomfortable and maybe a little ill, as if he's been plunged into the depths of inexperience against his will.] I've lost Shiro once. The thought of losing both of you at the same time, and not being able to do anything about it—

[The words catch in his throat as he looks at Lance with desperation in his eyes. Even if it's hard, he meets his gaze.]

[competing]

[ he tries not to feel too bad when keith mentions shiro — again. he knows they're close. and he knows keith is trying. but he also can't help but feel like keith can't seem to separate him from other people in his life as something... maybe not more, not yet, but surely something different.

isn't he? ]

You can do something though, [ he murmurs, slumping back in his seat. he doesn't look at keith, though, for some reason unable to meet his eyes. maybe because he doesn't really want to.

he just staring at his empty plate and trying to ignore the buzz in the back of his head that insists he's still hungry. ]

You can just — be here for me. Me.

[secondnature]

I am here. [There is nothing in the way that Keith says that that makes it seem like he's being purposely obtuse. Or accidentally obtuse, which is how these things go. The fact of the matter is that he's here. He doesn't want to admit that he's terrified of getting sick. If he gets sick, then he'll be even more useless, and potentially a lot more dangerous.

The idea of becoming ... something else, when he's already had to adjust to being an Other—]

Where did you get the idea that I wasn't? [This is a question that is likely way more antagonistic than even Keith intends, but he does need to know.]

[competing]

[ lance shrugs, sinking further into his seat than he means to, making it seem like he's trying to make himself small. ]

It just seemed like you were so eager to think about everything else but me.

[secondnature]

Or maybe I don't want to think about losing anyone important to me anymore than I already have to. I already can't do anything. I can't convince anyone. I'm supposed ... [He stalls here, realizing where his mind was going. Lance can't learn about Shiro's plans for him. Not right now.] I want to help people. But I can't.

[competing]

[ well — that's something. is it sad that even just hearing "someone important to me" is enough to make lance start to feel a little better? he doesn't ask for much, he thinks. ]

How do you think I feel? At least you can still be out there, fighting the good fight. Me, I'll probably have to hole up with Shiro just to make sure I don't infect anyone else.

[secondnature]

Yeah ... some fight. Where we have to capture a suicidal agent and keep him from killing himself while stopping my teammates from hurting him.

[The whole scenario is rough. Lance being sick on top of Shiro just makes it worse. If Keith can't find a way to make that work out, then he doesn't know what to do.]

[competing]

[ a beat. ]

See? I miss out on all the fun.

[ okay, that extra whine is thrown in to try and lighten the mood... ]

[secondnature]

Yeah ... some fun. Hopefully we won't be dragging it out for much longer.

[The thought of that is a little nauseating for him. A cure has to happen. A solution has to happen.]

[competing]

[ he nods mutely, the levity he'd tried for disappearing as quickly and abruptly as it'd come.

he's been trying not to think about it this whole time, what's to come. losing his mind like that. he remembers all the times he'd come cross an infected before, how much conscious work it took him to remind himself that these were real people he was dealing with, and not the mindless monsters he's seen in all those movies back home.

the thought that maybe one day someone — maybe even keith — might look at him like that puts a large lump in his throat he can't quite swallow. ]

...I'm scared, man.

[ he'll say it now. just now. one little confession, and then that's it, because he knows he can't afford to be scared past this, not when they still have so much fight left to do. ]

[secondnature]

[Since his arms are already crossed, Keith draws his legs closer and looks down, making it almost impossible for Lance to see his face. In a time like this, he knows Shiro would probably grab someone's shoulder, but he's well aware of the risk of any contact right now. It's hard.

And it's scary.]

We all are, [he manages. It's a refrain he'll say a lot over the next few days. People are scared. They have a right to be.]

[competing]

[ it's some kind of cruel irony, he thinks, that the one thing he wants now — that contact, any kind of it — is the one thing he shouldn't be asking from keith. he wants to. but he shouldn't.

so when keith curls withdraws, so does lance. ]

You should probably get your blood tested too.

[secondnature]

... Yeah, I guess it is time to look into that, huh? [Keith doesn't feel bad, but it might only be a matter of time.]

[competing]

Yeah, probably. [ definitely. ]

Guess it's a good thing we've been too busy to make out or anything, huh? Heh.

[ yeeeah he should probably stop trying to lighten the mood. his jokes are just getting worse. ]

[secondnature]

Honestly ... that hadn't even crossed my mind. But it's a good thing.

[He is the worst boyfriend.]

[competing]

[ the w o r s t ]

Ouch.

[secondnature]

I've been busy! [Keith fails at being a teenage boy on top of it.]

[competing]

[ you're killing me. ]

Oh come on! You haven't even thought about it? Once?

[secondnature]

Come on, people are dying! Things got really complicated after the light show.

[There's a long pause.]

Does it help that I'm thinking about it now? [... No. Probably not.]

[competing]

[ well that's fair, it's a pretty harrowing time, and keith does have a tendancy towards tunnel-vision...

but still! not even once? ]

No, cuz I made you!

[ he sits back once more and sulks. ]

You know what, you owe me two — no, three — random make-out thoughts now!

[secondnature]

I don't owe you anything! Just get better and we can do the thing. [The make-outs. Obviously.]

[competing]

Oh, sure, let me just hop up on some Vitamin C and I'll be a-okay!

[secondnature]

I'm not expecting you to get better immediately! But there's no point in thinking about a thing that we can't do anyway.