secondnature | CONTACT POST.

[The thing about having boxes full of food in front of him is that he can take another bite of noodles and shove them into his mouth. Keith hadn't had any reason to regret this decision, only Lance has just given him one. His jaw stops moving with his chewing, and he looks like he's on the verge of choking.

Which ... given circumstances, would be complicated. Keith continues to look a little ill with full cheeks until he forces is mouth engine to get moving again, forcing the noodles down his throat. The fork in his hand begins to bend, holding all of the tension that begins to run through his body.]

So ... you too, [he finally manages, because he's been trying to stave off the anxiety and fear of possibly losing Shiro in this mission. Or in general. And now Lance? Now, after everything?

He knows that his response isn't the most ... dramatic, but everything about his body language indicates that his flight instincts are in place.]

[ lance has been staring down at keith's clenched fist ever since that fork began to bend, and maybe it's just his brain desperate to focus on literally anything else, but he can't easily shake off his concern about whether the other boy's going to end up snapping it in half or not.

it actually takes a real conscious effort to draw his attention away from it, and back to the can of worms he just opened. ]

Uh — yeah. Yeah, I... I actually went and got my blood tested this morning. [ so the "i think" is definitely more of an "i know." ]

I guess I wasn't being careful enough, I don't know.

Why didn't you just say that? [The switch from sullen to agitated (agitatedly sullen? not that agitatedly is a word) is pretty swift. Then again, given the circumstances of everything going on around them, who can blame him for his aggravation? Keith is angry. The good thing is that he isn't infected. No one would want to deal with Keith while he's rolling around as an infected feeling even more things strongly.]

Okay—that's not important. A lot of our team looks bad. And we've been working together. [It's as simple as that.]

So, what now? You had a plan in coming here, right? [Keith is demanding a lot of this moment, but it's like he's got an outlet for all his tension, and it's here. He's frustrated about this. Shiro's sick, Lance is sick, and now ... who knows who else? It's a good thing Pidge got transferred. ... Ugh. Not that that's the right thought to be had right now.

But what is the right thought?]

[ lance's own agitation begins to mount, feeling his hackles raise as they're wont to whenever keith happens to strike a chord. he's not entirely sure what chord it is this time — maybe it's nothing, maybe he just didn't want to feel the brunt of the other's anger right now. maybe he'd been hoping for something... more.

it doesn't help that with the virus coursing through his own veins, the knee-jerk reaction to get angry becomes that much more difficult to resist. fortunately, the fact that he'd just eaten (not enough, it still doesn't feel like enough) is helping... somewhat. ]

What do you mean "what now"? [ he struggles to keep his own tone level, but he can't help its own sharpness. ] "What now" is I go join Shiro at the school. What else is there?

[ maybe he just wanted to say goodbye. ]

[Keith knows all that he, personally, has been going through. The first thing that comes to mind here is Shiro's words during his trial. Or ... the false Shiro's words. They had been about how self-absorbed he had been in dealing with stuff. Right now, he doesn't want to think about how hard it is for him. The problem is that he's having a hard time seeing past that, because he doesn't have an answer.]

I don't know. That's the problem, isn't it?

[It's like so many of their team forgot the meat of the problem: that people are getting sick. They're worried about justice and whatever else, and people ... the ones he's come to care about for the first time since he lost his dad ... they're hurting. They're dying. Slowly and surely.]

[ he looks down at his empty plate, frowning as all that anger and frustration just kind of... fizzles out. not necessarily disappearing, but more like it'd just built up and built up and built up and now at the face of keith's own helplessness, there's no real place for it to go so it just. goes. everywhere and nowhere at once.

it had been a hard pill to swallow, when they found out about shiro. because it was shiro, his hero, easily the strongest of the paladins, how could he succumb to this infection? but then he'd persisted, been strong and brave and everything they know and expect him to be and lance began to think maybe, hey, it's shiro, his hero, easily the strongest of the paladins, definitely if anyone can beat this it's him.

and now he's in a school, locked up where he can't hurt anyone else.

lance isn't shiro. he isn't very strong, nor is he very brave, especially right now when forced to face all this uncertainty and helplessness. ]

They'll find a cure. I mean — they have to, right? What else is there...

[ he doesn't want to think about that. ]

You know exactly what else there is. We fail this mission. This world dies, and those of us remain have to deal with the consequences. [That's assuming that the consequences can be dealt with. Keith doesn't like the sound of having to deal with that, not one bit. But the problem is this: he doesn't know if they'll find a cure. With Lance sick, he has no choice but to try. After all, what else can he really do?

Then again, that's been the question of this entire mission: what can he do? He knows a team is meant to work together. But—still—]

The only thing we have working in our favor is that I don't think Audentes has ever failed a mission.

[They've had conflict. But no one's ever reported any failure to him.]

[ lance makes a face. ]

If you're trying to be comforting, you kind of suck at it.

[ perhaps a bit harsher than he needs to be in this moment, but he hadn't come here looking for pragmatism or numbers, or any of the other things keith might think is helpful right now. right now he's scared, and he doesn't want to say it, because shiro had been brave when he told them, has been brave throughout this whole thing, so the least lance can do now is be brave too, right? ]

I just told you I'm sick too and all you can talk about is failing the mission?

[ look, he gets it. keith's always been a big picture kinda guy, and the mission at hand and everyone else's lives are at stake here. he gets it. this whole thing is bigger than him. but still. ]

You know I was kinda expecting something more.

[From Keith's perspective, he genuinely doesn't know what he said was wrong. He just hadn't wanted to say "you die." The very words make him clench up inside, like it's a thing he's familiar with but doesn't want to handle. He's been avoiding those thoughts since Shiro told him, even if he knows what it might come to.

He even knows why Shiro needs to be locked up, and what might happen ... if things get worse. When things get worse.]

Maybe you made a mistake in expecting anything from me. [Keith is a lot of things, but being good at defusing a bad situation? He isn't there yet. His impatience is one that comes through clearly with most circumstances. When it comes to motivating someone, he keeps waiting until they get done with their worries to make things happen. He isn't Shiro ... or Rey or a lot of other people who can say things to make people believe in themselves. He's just himself.]

I just said this team hasn't failed. What more do you want?

[ but lance isn't looking for those kind of motivating words. sure, they'd help, and they'd definitely be nice. but he had been hoping for... something. anything. literally anything to show keith actually cared.

logically, rationally, he knows keith cares. he has to. but what he knows and what he's hearig are two very different things.

maybe keith is right, and his mistake had been in expecting anything at all. ]

I dunno, Keith, maybe I was expecting the guy I'm technically dating to actually act like he cared. You know. About me.

[ he sighs angrily, stabbing a chopstick into a half-eaten dumpling that had fallen on the ground earlier. without thinking, he shoves it into his mouth, chewing harshly. when he swallows, and he gets a little more food into his system, he's able to calm himself a little more. ]

Look, I know...

I know this isn't just about me. I know it isn't. But maybe sometimes it can be. It'd be nice, just this once.

[Keith wants to point out that he hadn't made it a secret that he'd be bad at this stuff, but it occurs to him that that might be part of the problem. His failings, his selfishness—isn't he aware of it already? When things get hard, he knows that it's easier to see where he does or doesn't fit in to this. For so long, he's been stuck thinking of himself. That's how he made it through life.

When confronted by something like this, it's easy to backslide. He can throw himself at a million problems. If they involve explosions, he knows he can survive. He'll make it. Besides, someone has to.

But this type of thing—

He looks sullen and looks away, arms coming up around his body in what becomes a protective stance.]

It is about you. And Shiro, too. [Some part of him knows that he has to say more, but he struggles to get the words out. He visibly looks uncomfortable and maybe a little ill, as if he's been plunged into the depths of inexperience against his will.] I've lost Shiro once. The thought of losing both of you at the same time, and not being able to do anything about it—

[The words catch in his throat as he looks at Lance with desperation in his eyes. Even if it's hard, he meets his gaze.]

[ he tries not to feel too bad when keith mentions shiro — again. he knows they're close. and he knows keith is trying. but he also can't help but feel like keith can't seem to separate him from other people in his life as something... maybe not more, not yet, but surely something different.

isn't he? ]

You can do something though, [ he murmurs, slumping back in his seat. he doesn't look at keith, though, for some reason unable to meet his eyes. maybe because he doesn't really want to.

he just staring at his empty plate and trying to ignore the buzz in the back of his head that insists he's still hungry. ]

You can just — be here for me. Me.

I am here. [There is nothing in the way that Keith says that that makes it seem like he's being purposely obtuse. Or accidentally obtuse, which is how these things go. The fact of the matter is that he's here. He doesn't want to admit that he's terrified of getting sick. If he gets sick, then he'll be even more useless, and potentially a lot more dangerous.

The idea of becoming ... something else, when he's already had to adjust to being an Other—]

Where did you get the idea that I wasn't? [This is a question that is likely way more antagonistic than even Keith intends, but he does need to know.]

[ lance shrugs, sinking further into his seat than he means to, making it seem like he's trying to make himself small. ]

It just seemed like you were so eager to think about everything else but me.

Or maybe I don't want to think about losing anyone important to me anymore than I already have to. I already can't do anything. I can't convince anyone. I'm supposed ... [He stalls here, realizing where his mind was going. Lance can't learn about Shiro's plans for him. Not right now.] I want to help people. But I can't.

[ well — that's something. is it sad that even just hearing "someone important to me" is enough to make lance start to feel a little better? he doesn't ask for much, he thinks. ]

How do you think I feel? At least you can still be out there, fighting the good fight. Me, I'll probably have to hole up with Shiro just to make sure I don't infect anyone else.

Yeah ... some fight. Where we have to capture a suicidal agent and keep him from killing himself while stopping my teammates from hurting him.

[The whole scenario is rough. Lance being sick on top of Shiro just makes it worse. If Keith can't find a way to make that work out, then he doesn't know what to do.]

[ a beat. ]

See? I miss out on all the fun.

[ okay, that extra whine is thrown in to try and lighten the mood... ]

Yeah ... some fun. Hopefully we won't be dragging it out for much longer.

[The thought of that is a little nauseating for him. A cure has to happen. A solution has to happen.]

[ he nods mutely, the levity he'd tried for disappearing as quickly and abruptly as it'd come.

he's been trying not to think about it this whole time, what's to come. losing his mind like that. he remembers all the times he'd come cross an infected before, how much conscious work it took him to remind himself that these were real people he was dealing with, and not the mindless monsters he's seen in all those movies back home.

the thought that maybe one day someone — maybe even keith — might look at him like that puts a large lump in his throat he can't quite swallow. ]

...I'm scared, man.

[ he'll say it now. just now. one little confession, and then that's it, because he knows he can't afford to be scared past this, not when they still have so much fight left to do. ]

[Since his arms are already crossed, Keith draws his legs closer and looks down, making it almost impossible for Lance to see his face. In a time like this, he knows Shiro would probably grab someone's shoulder, but he's well aware of the risk of any contact right now. It's hard.

And it's scary.]

We all are, [he manages. It's a refrain he'll say a lot over the next few days. People are scared. They have a right to be.]

[ it's some kind of cruel irony, he thinks, that the one thing he wants now — that contact, any kind of it — is the one thing he shouldn't be asking from keith. he wants to. but he shouldn't.

so when keith curls withdraws, so does lance. ]

You should probably get your blood tested too.

... Yeah, I guess it is time to look into that, huh? [Keith doesn't feel bad, but it might only be a matter of time.]

Yeah, probably. [ definitely. ]

Guess it's a good thing we've been too busy to make out or anything, huh? Heh.

[ yeeeah he should probably stop trying to lighten the mood. his jokes are just getting worse. ]

Honestly ... that hadn't even crossed my mind. But it's a good thing.

[He is the worst boyfriend.]

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